Hedge Rows 101

You are probably asking why a topic like this?? I’ll tell you why. Because many individuals live “goody two shoes lives!” They boast: “I have never told a lie in my life! I hate liars! There is nothing I hate worse than liars!” My sincere hope is that any such individuals blinded by the brightness of their self-righteous image will realize they have “feet of clay” like everyone else. They need to be freed from their condition of self-deception before it is too late. I hope this blog helps such individuals on to the pathway of self-discovery that will overcome their delusion.

The topic of this blog borrows a little from the spirit and tone of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnet 43 (“How Do I Love Thee?”) Most of us know about George Washington and his father’s cherry tree. The story as we know it is, that young George cut his father’s tree down with a brand new axe that was given to him by his father, no less. We also know that this story is a fable extolling the virtures of being truthful. As this story alludes to understanding the importance of recognizing the nature of our misdeeds, and assuming ownership of them; we hope that becomes a reality as you continue reading this blog.

This blog will reveal to us that everyone who has ever cheated on their lover or spouse has had to lie in 99% of infidelities committed. I know that sounds harsh; but it is true. It is impossible to cheat in a committed relationship without lying! There are at least 10-15 ways that cheaters lie. We will only deal with ten. Before we begin, let me be clear: Adultery/Marital Infidelity cannot be indulged in without a few lies; even if your tryst was as little as a day, a one night stand, or a few days; or one time or several times……..It does not matter! I can prove it! “Stay Tuned!”

To highlight the futility of lying, please note the following observations from the Bible. I must offer this disclaimer: You may not be a believer in the Holy Bible. I can respect that. Just indulge me to keep reading and judge later! Continuing, please consider what Moses said to the people of his day as they were preparing to go into the Promised Land. He counseled them as follows: “But if you do not do so, then take note, you have sinned against the LORD; and be sure your sin will find you out. (Numbers 32:23 KJV) and Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. (Luke 12:2 ESV)” These solemn, straight-forward statements will comprise the framework of our discussion. Ready!? OK, Let’s Go!

First of all, Why do people lie? Some of the reasons are: A. They want to hide their bad or dishonest behavior to prevent embarrassment or punishment. This is the reason most children learn to lie. B. They may want to protect someone or something. It could be themselves or someone else. C. Some people get a cheap thrill out of telling sensational lies. They spread untruths with a “glint” in their eyes and their mouth literally salivates as they are gossipping. ‘You know anyone like that? I do. There are many ways and reasons people offer of why they lie. As mentioned earlier, we are going to explore ten.

TEN COMMON LIES CHEATERS TELL THEIR LOVERS

1. Falsification/Fabrication: This is your Bold-Faced Lie and the most common and easily employed. Example: “I am late getting home because I was held up in traffic for 2 hours on the freeway.”
2. Concealing or Withholding The Truth: This is the situation where you know what you have done or not done and you do not tell your S.O. because you “found” a way to justify your silence on your misconduct. Examples: a. “I didn’t think I had to tell you because I asked God to forgive me and I asked my ‘partner in crime’ to forgive me and I thought I was good! I didn’t have to tell you!” Or b. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you!” Or c. “Is anything wrong?” “No, every’ting Eyeree!” Many people think that not telling their S.O. what they have done is not lying; but it is. Everyday that you fail to confess what you have done or not done, (and that you made a committment to do), and you go along as though you are OK, you are lying. This is not to imply that you have to regurgitate every gory detail; but you must in no uncertain terms acknowledge, and reveal, your/the behaviour that has violated your covenant with that person. Rough, isn’t it?……. I know……but it is essential to have an honest relationship!
3. Additionally, do not be dissuaded by the offended person if they say that “your confession is useless because I had to ask for it.” The Bible does not support that kind of position. Remember the Bible character, King David? The story is found in 2nd Samuel Chapters 11 and 12. David never voluntarily “confessed” his sin of co-habitating with Bathsheba. (He actually raped her. But that’s another story.) What happened was: when he was approached by the prophet, Nathan; he acknowledged his sin. In other words, he did not deny or lie about his behavior. He “owned up to it”! This is important; because there are individuals who believe that if you have to be told to confess; then the confession is no good. This kind of erroneous thinking is a “two-edged sword”. They should/must ask themselves, “Am I willing to subject myself to the same standards of conduct that I am imposing upon others??” This equality is essential to have a fair, honest relationship!
4. Pardon this “re-direct”, but if you are thinking that you do not have to confess adultery to your S.O. or your spouse, you have another “think” coming! YOU CANNOT CLAIM IGNORANCE ON THIS MATTER! In other words: you cannot say: : “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!” Remember….You took a vow in public to “Keep only to thyself”, meaning only you and your spouse. If you cross that line, they must know, period!! You have to confess to them because adultery is a SIN AGAINST THEM as well as a sin against GOD. Otherwise, you are living a lie as long as you keep it from them for whatever reason you decide. Your married or “in a relationship” life with them, for however long, without your divulging your secret behavior makes one a liar. Points 2, 3, and 4 are so lengthy, because I have a special burden to emphasize the correct understanding of what confession is and what it is not, as well; and that there is a distinct difference between the two although the outcome is the same…….the truth is revealed.
5. Deflection: This is sometimes used by a liar to avoid answering a self- incriminating question. The purpose of this response is to derail the questioner’s attention and quest for knowledge. Examples: The following are a few ways that a cheater may respond to questions: a. “Oh, that’s a good question” and continuing on without answering the question. b. They may question the question to throw you off: “Why are you asking me that question, when you know the answer?! c. Give an incomplete answer. d. Go on the attack: “Don’t ask me anything about what I did or did not do!” e. “I ‘ve already answered that! Why you keep asking me the same questions?” Finally, f., defer the question to someone else. “If you want to know, you can ask Chotee yourself. Don’t ask me!”
6. Minimizing: This response by a person is designed to make their trangression or behavior somewhat less bad or undesirable as possble. An example could go like this: You were “sloppy drunk” but you stated that “I just had half a shot glass of wine!” Or, “I was over there just one time! And I stopped!”
7. Exaggeration: On the other hand, exaggeration is very common among liars. Overstretching the truth. For example: The guy is as ugly as “home made sin”. But you tell him,”You are so fine and handsome!” Because you are interested in his money or his car, etc. “Sugar Daddys” always fall for such lines. The same goes for men who do and say similar things to women. They are lies!! Stop it!, because you know that as soon as something goes wrong; you will see how ugly they really are!
8. Dismissal: Dismissing someone’s feelings, perceptions, and raw facts; giving the impression that you are not even taking them serious. Example: Edith saw John coming out of the bar with Joan. But when he was confronted by his “Significant Other”, he said, “That was not me! You must have me “mixed up” with somebody else!”
9. Omission: Lying by omission, also known as a continuing misrepresentation or quote mining, occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes the failure to correct pre-existing misconceptions. Example: Laiella who is married to Bobby, had gone out for the evening to meet up with Eldridge. When she came home after 1:00 a.m., she told her husband that she had been out with “the girls” the entire time that she was away from their house which was about six hours, total. While it was true that she was out with the girls. It was only for about 45 minutes. The rest of the time she was with Eldridge.
10. Denial/Delusion: This type of lie (liar) is complicated. They have “justified” their own bad behavior in their own eyes so long that they actually believe that they are being truthful. They usually portray themselves as the hero/heroine; (a “goody two shoes” person, if you will) or a victim of other’s lies, not their own, of course! Notice this quote: “A pathological liar lives with a false sense of reality. If confronted, they become defensive and never admit their lies.” (https://www.healthline.com>health).
11. Broken Promises: Acutally, when most people promise their S.O. something; they will carry it out, or complete it or refrain from doing something or other. But when a person makes a promise, knowing that they are not going to honor the promise, THEY ARE LYING! Many people do that. WHY? I think that they do it because they want the current discussion to stop and they reason that if they promise to “stay straight, or faithful or “Not do it again”, that they will be let off the hook.
12. Deception: This one is so very common that we have become comfortable being deceived. HOW?? Lying is a form of deception. It is giving some information while believing it to be untrue, intending to trick someone or cover up the truth by doing so. We, unfortunately, are living in a “scam age” where we have to decern and avoid deception on our cellular phones, on our computers, social media and T.V. “Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive!” (Shakespeare) When we do this in our relationships…..we are liars!

SUMMARY:

In closing this blog, I would be remiss if I did not make an appeal to you to seriously examine yourself in view of what has been presented here. Especially, pay close attention to the declaration that John, the Revelator makes in Rev. 21:8. “But the fearfful , unbelieving, abominable, murderers, whoremongers, sorcerers, idolators, and ALL LIARS shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death!” (That’s scary!)

Secondly, I want to emphasize that lying, as bad as it is, is not THE UNPARDONABLE SIN. The only sin that is unpardonable is the sin that you do not confess to God and ask Him to forgive. There are those who will take issue with my theological position. But that is another blog! The Bible emphasizes that If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ( 1 John 1:9 KJV)

I could appeal to you from the standpoint of avoidance of such an outcome as mentioned in Revelation 21, because of fear of the consequences. But I would rather emphasize the inner peace and contentment you can enjoy after “clearing up” any lies or false impressions you have perpertrated while you can….., While you are alive! While you have your mental faculties intact! While those whom you have lied to are still living! and finally…. While Mercy still lingers and Grace still holds the door open! DON’T WAIT! DO IT NOW!!

I do not usually pray in a blog; but I am impressed that “someone”, somewhere, needs the strength to face up to their behavior. They cannot “muster up” such strength in their own power to admit to themselves that they have a problem. It is for you/them that I offer this prayer:

Our Father in heaven, (Allah, the Merciful) , EL SHADDAI: We come to you in humility and yet with praise for your patience with us even as we were yet sinners and you died for us. Thank you for your priceless gift of salvation that you earned for us, paying with your life. Thank you for the free gift of forgiveness of all of our sins. Please give us the strength and wisdom to accept responsibility for our sinful behavior and the humility to reach out to you for your spiritual, psychological, and physical healing that You are ready and willing to give us NOW! We ask you to restore to those from whom we have stolen….. their peace, their security, their happiness and their lost opportunities; which we can never repay. Enable us to trust you that even though we may not be able to reach everyone that our lies have affected; You know our hearts and we know we are safe in your judgment. I ask you now, Lord, Please foregive me for any and all that I have said or done to misrepresent the truth. You have promised in your Word that you will throw our sins into the deepest part of the sea once we confess them to you……never to bring them up again. We claim and believe that promise! We thank you for hearing our prayer for we submit it in the name of Jesus, EL AMEN!

When you finish this short read, please be kind enough to leave a comment on the “comments” area. Thanks!

Author: Charles E. Creech, God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! Available on Amazon and other platforms; and In KINDLE also.

If this looks like a bullet-proof vest, YOU ARE CORRECT! It is designed to protect the wearer’s most vital body parts….mainly the heart, lungs, stomach, spleen, and everything else on your torso. But that is not what this blog is about. Yes, it is about your heart; but not your blood pump! In order to be direct, we need to examine some didactic material from the Bible. At the same time I acknowledge that some readers of this blog may not even believe the Bible. So, I ask that you continue your reading and form your opinions later, Okay?

I perceive that in today’s cultural and moral atmosphere, that for many of us, the title: “How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage” comes “too little and too late!” And that is taking into consideration if the matter is important at all to many of us. The title of this blog assumes that it is possible to make your marriage affair-proof if you can know how. If you are divorced, estranged from your spouse or your marriage is in trouble, you will find much to think about and most likely relate to as well. While there are literally millions of “How to” books, articles and blogs; my blog, hopefully, will be different in its scope, intensity and originality since I have not plagarized from others. It has grown out of a combination of observation, experience, counsel and research. Is this blog peerless? Most likely, not. Nevertheless let’s go!

We will begin with talking about the Heart. In the Bible the heart is considered the seat of life or strength. Hence, it means mind, soul, spirit, or one’s entire emotional nature and understanding. The heart is the locus of physical and spiritual being, and represents the “central wisdom of feeling as opposed to the head-wisdom of reason” (Cooper, 82). It is compassion and understanding, life-giving and complex. It is a symbol for love. Often known as the seat of emotions, the heart is synonymous with affection. Affair-Proofing your marriage is about the heart! Adultery is the result of a successful attack by evil and sinister forces (Satan) in the battle for the heart of married individuals to destroy marriages!

We do know a few things about the heart: The Old Testament prophet, Jeremiah, says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:9-10 ESV. The New Testament writer, Mark says: “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7: 21-23

I have divided this blog into five (5) areas to concentrate on things we can do to “Affair-Proof” a marriage relationship.

1. Prepare for Marriage:

It is unfortunate that the foundation for a strong marriage or a marriage fraught by infidelity has its roots in two important areas: Your background and your spouse’s background. Following is a list of things you need to know:

a. Dating History: How did they relate to persons they dated before you came into the picture? Did they cheat on them? Did they respect them?

b. Marriage Model: How did they see marriage modeled in their home?

c. What Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) did they experience that has shaped their philosophy of life, especially as it affects relationships?

d. Both individuals should, if possible, know as much as possible about their family’s histories.

e. By all means, a dating couple should take time to be in various settings with each other to study and determine: How they work together, how they communicate with each other, how they handle stress, how they disagree with each other, how they solve problems, how they spend money, how they respond to the opposite sex, how they relate to their parents’ authority or lack of…….in short, the list is very long of all the areas that should be observed during courtship. Unfortunately, many couples get into a sexual relationship much too soon! Too soon is…… building a sexual bond before they learn the basics of communication, intimacy (not sex), honesty, self-control, trust, spirituality, responsibility, confidentiality, respect, appropriate self-esteem, and many other intrinsic values to maintain a strong marital relationship. Building a sexual bond before the aforementioned steps have been taken, will, most likely bring problems “down the road” for any couple. It can be characterized like releasing a butterfly out of its cocoon before it is time for it to come out! If you cut it out before it matures to that point, it will be under-developed, weakened, deformed and will most likely die! AND THAT IS WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS TO MANY MARRIAGES!

f. Affair Proofing your marriage also begins with having a liberal education about how to relate to the opposite sex in platonic relationships. In other words: Preparing for marriage has a lot to do with knowing about yourself and who you are. This is vital! Why? Because it is very important to express love and to receive love. But it is also important to get as much experience as possible in developing and maintaining Platonic relationships.

Research has revealed that individuals who master Platonic relationships well, do much, much better at maintaining and understanding Romantic relationships. The key factors are: 1. They both require love and commitment to be maintained. 2. But there are boundaries that exist that enable one to differentiate between Love and Lust! Consequently, some individuals who have never mastered many Platonic relationships and learned themselves (in other words, who they are) and how other people relate to them or others, can “end up” either being a Narcissicist, treating females or males as sex objects, or being a very “needy” person; “Looking for love in all the wrong places!” In any case, this is a very important building block in preparing one for a marriage that has a good chance of being “AFFAIR PROOF!” I know………that was a mouthful. If neccessary, take time and read it again!

g. Marry for the right reason(s): Too often dating couples get married for all the wrong reasons: such as an unplanned pregnancy, prestige or personal gain of some kind, desperation to have “legal sex”, money, security, citizenship, convenience, pressure from one of the partners, etc. The problem with this is that after a time, if the real reason for the marriage did not exist, the foundation for an affair has just been laid.

Another thing to be considered before getting married is to learn to focus on what you want out of a marriage relationship, rather than WHAT YOU DON’T WANT IN YOUR MARRIAGE. No one ever built a structure, machine, or created a painting or work of art by concentrating on “I don’t want this or I don’t want that!” It simply will not be in the building plans or in the preliminary sketches! Consequently, I believe this means that there may be some things that you may have to learn or unlearn about how to properly resolve areas of disagreement. For instance, will you negotiate, bargain, or will you bully, control, dominate or force your will on your partner? Will you also use violence or intimidation that you may have seen in you home to get what you want in your relationship? The foregoing may seem trite to you; but our characters are more imprinted by our families of origin than we care to admit! If you haven’t taken this into consideration and you are planning to marry or if you are married, take a good look at this item.

h. Be complete before you get married: Many individuals get married (they think) to feel complete within themselves. However that is not the most reliable reason one should get married. You should be able to “stand on your own two feet” before you get married. If that is your sole reason for getting married, you are going to be a “drag” on the person who hooks up with you. You might even be clingy and so dependent that you can add nothing to the relationship; but you are taking everything out! Marriage exists to make you a happier person; not to depend on your spouse to make you happy. If that is soley what you are looking for, not only is it selfish; but you are laying the foundation for narcissism and discontent which could very well lead to getting what you think you want from someone other than your spouse.

A spiritual leader of a number of pastors and other workers, once said that, “Adultery is often caused by a person’s emotional needs not being met.” However, I am still wrestling with that explanation because I believe that once married, there is no reason for committing adultery! We will address this issue later in another blog. But for the present, I am convinced that, If your emotional needs are not being met and you have honestly tried to get them met with your spouse, you should discuss the issue with him/her and leave the relationship if you cannot not resolve the issues. But under no circumstances are you to try to get your emotional needs met with someone who is not your spouse! To think or to do otherwise, you just might be setting yourself up for an extra-marital affair!

i. Learn your intended’s Love Language. When you are dating, it is very important to discover and practice your intended spouse’s Love Language. (Gary Chapman) If you get married, and you have no knowledge of your special friend’s love language, or your own, you may be laying the groundwork for an extramarital affair; because there is always somebody around who is interested in “speaking your love language” and exploiting your vulnerability! Now, having covered just a few of the areas of Preparation for Marriage, we are now ready to explore the next area of Affair-Proofing Your Marriage: “Priortizing Your Marriage.”

2. Priortize your marriage:

Just, what do we mean by that? Some of us have witnessed married men and women who have “looked good” as a couple. Over the years we have observed and admired them as models of marriage……only to learn by talking with their grown children we discover that, yes, their parents were great workers and producers, etc; but their marital relationship was always “on the back burner”! Maybe even the “Pits!” Apparently, they had time for everything but their spouses. (and families)

In many cases, their priorities for their marital relationship was “unbalanced”. A typical hiearchy may have looked like this:

1. 1.God, 2. Me, 3. Myself and 4. I, (Me, Myself and I), 5. Work or church, 6. Children, and 7. Spouse. Obviously, this is a flawed priority list that is sure to produce a harvest of marital turbulence.
2. On the other hand, this would work better: 1. God, 2. Me, Myself and I, 3. Spouse, 4. Children and extended family, 6. Work/church and 7. Mission to the world-at-large.

3. Perfect Your Marriage:

Perfecting marriage is somewhat like getting baptized or receiving justification from Jesus’ sacrifice for your sins. Both of those elements of salvation only get you started on your Christian journey. After those two events are experienced, the work of Christian perfection begins. That is called Sanctification. So it is with the marital relatioship. After the wedding, the real work of development begins. But how is that transition made? In the following statments, we will touch on just a few important areas.

I believe a marriage is perfected by doing at least these three things: a. Enjoying your marriage, b. Studying your marriage and c. Submitting your marriage to God’s leading. We will expand on these now:

When we enjoy a marriage we want to spend quality time together, play together, work together and communicate constructively together. This area is so very important. When encouraging, kind and appropriate words are used by marriage partners in every setting they have the potential of strengthening their bonds to the extent that imposters cannot get a “toe hold” in your mate’s psyche. Speak to them like you did in your early days of courtship. Worshipping together is a very strong component in a marriage. You cannot have a true worship experience and be at odds with each other. If you can accomplish it genuinely, it will produce Atonement every day for you and your spouse. That is why Satan works so hard to create diversions and distractions each day to thwart your family worship plans. He knows that when you submit yourselves to God each day that he cannot have you to “play with” on that day!

Working together on projects also helps make the bond stronger as well as providing pleasant feelings with the joy of accomplishing a task or completing a project. Finally, to enjoy your marriage, you need to study and learn more about each other and how to relate to each other and grow in commitment and satisfaction in meeting each other’s emotional needs. Attend some seminars and marriage retreats. They may reveal to you some fresh strategies as well as provide some “down time” to improve your level of intimacy away from the “rat race” of the daily struggles of life.

4. Protect Your Marriage:

I have listed seven (7) area that are important to Affair-Proofing your marriage: They are:

a. Learn about boundaries and how to employ them. b. Protect your spouses: person, reputation and feelings. c. Respect your spouse 24/7 wherever you are. d. Keep “family business” in the family. Never discuss what’s going on between you and your spouse with anyone of the opposite sex (unless it’s one of your parents (and even then with caution). e. Be very keen on recognizing attempts by the opposite sex to invade your spouse’s territory. (YOU)! f. “Mow and manicure” the grass in your own yard!” g. Guard against putting yourself into situations that could create opportunities for temptation and compromise.

5. Promote Marriage through modeling and advocacy :

Advocating marriage does not neccessarily mean that you go around “parading” your prowess at marriage and your “beautiful” marital relationship! But it does mean that you” carry yourself like you are married!” That is all you have to do. Treat each other like Kings and Queens at all times. (even at home) Exercise your boundaries. When in the presence of courting singles, be willing to share information with them (if they ask). It is a real possibility that they may have not received any pre-marital counseling. But, don’t by any means, be “pushy”! In the final analysis, be spiritual, factual, and natural in your encouragement to them. I believe that if the principles that I have talked about in this blog are adhered to, that all married persons will be able to AFFAIR-PROOF their marriages!

Charles E. Creech, Author: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! (Available on Amazon in print or Kindle) or from the author directly.

WHO IS HE FANTASIZING ABOUT? HER? (Hope she’s his wife!)

WHO IS SHE FANTASIZING ABOUT? HIM? (Is he her husband?)

Many times married couples get into extra-marital affairs from one night stands, a few days, to several weeks, to months and to years even. Some perps have even been caught in the act of physical, sexual activity and have tried to foist upon their partner an explanation that makes no sense: e.g.:#1. “Honey, this is not what it looks like!! I CAN EXPLAIN!!” #2. In other instances they may say: “They didn’t mean ANYTHING to me!” Other times one may hear: #3. “I didn”t plan to do this. It just happened!” Another may say, #4. “I didn’t know what was happing; it was so fast!” #5. “I did’t know what I was getting into or what I was doing!” In other words, “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!” (as the lyrics of a country music song goes)

I am going to break down each of these “lame-brained” excuses we make up to try to justify our immoral behavior.

1. “Not what it looks like!”: Obviously, if your are caught having sex with someone who is not your legal marriage partner; that is what “IT” is……..unless you are being raped. It is not likely that you will be able to explain yourself out of this one! As the now deceased Ricky Ricardo would say to his wife, Lucy……”SPLAIN!” (explain)

2. “They didn’t mean anything to me!” Now this one is really stupid! If they meant nothing to you and the experience meant nothing to you; then why did you risk so much for so little? Explain! This may sound to you as the “perp”, to be a good answer; but, believe me! It is not. A hurt husband or wife will never accept that explanation because in their mind their value has just been severely cheapened if not trashed by your lustful, careless, thoughtless, selfish behavior. The cheap thrill you thought you were getting will be the most expensive act you will ever perform in your entire life!

3. and 4. “I didn’t plan to do this; it just happened!” Really? At best you were very naieve, foolish/stupid, or you have some kind of cognitive issue and you couldn’t make a rational decision. And at worse, you’re a liar! Adultery is one of the most well-laid, planned activities in the world. You cannot commit adultery without making plans (if only for a few minutes). Individuals who have a sexual experience with another person outside of their marriage are definitely involved emotionally whether they realize it or not. And the main point is that Before any physical activity takes place some mental and emotional activity has gone on before. People who deny the presence of this dynamic in their experience are in serious and dangerous denial.

This now brings us to the main point of this blog. And that is that the emotional affair has begun a considerable time before any visible physical activity takes place. How do we know this? I’ll explain; but before we do let’s look at point # 5. “I didn’t know what I was doing.” Or “I don’t know what happened!” In other words: “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!” That is laughable! If that is the way you think, you should not be allowed to be out in public. You are a danger to other people and a menace to yourself. Further, you must have temporarily lost your mind! You do know that when you took your marriage vows before an officiate and witnesses, family, friends and your bride/groom, you were serious about what you were doing, that you were to give yourself to no one else other than your spouse. But maybe…. just maybe, you did not know that the physical act is always preceded by an emotional and mental investment earlier on.

You see, many people have the notion that if they do not touch a person or just talk to them on the phone or at a distance; that they have not crossed any boundaries and they’re “good!” Quoting former First Lady Michelle Obama, when she says, “LET ME BE CLEAR!”, I shall offer some Biblical support and characters for my position and I will be perfectly clear. However, none of this will make any sense to you unless you accept and respect the Holy Bible as a source of reliable and meaningful authority!:

A. Solomon, the Wise Man said this: Proverbs 23:7 “For as he (man or woman) thinketh in his heart, so [is] he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee.” B. Jesus further emphasized the mental and emotional aspects of infidelity when He said , “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5: 27 (already) Italics, mine. Jesus thus emphasized the fact that adultery begins in the mind with the emotions precedent to the physical or even without the physical act. Albeit it may be possible to stop “going all the way”, it is not likely. It is somewhat like eating a Lays’s potato chip: “You can’t eat just one!” C. Look at King David. The account is given in 2 Samuel 11: 1-5. David, first of all, should have been with his men in a military campaign. But he was in the palace “lolly-gagging” and being bored. So he went out and walked on his balcony and spied a beautiful woman taking a “shower” and apparently naked. We can’t blame David for responding by being aroused. That is the way that men are “wired”. His was a natural reaction that most normal, healthy men experience. But the problem was that: “If you look long, you’ll look wrong!’ as (the saying goes) David chose to keep looking until he was hopelessly hooked. The scripture states that she was VERY beautiful to look at. This is where his emotions also overpowered his reasoning and consequently disabled his inhibitions. It did not take long for him to implement his lustful desires to be with Bathsheba…….he commanded her through a servant or other aide to come over to “his house” and he “got her pregnant!” Familiar story isn’t it? And the rest is tragic history!

Please note the sequence: 1. In the beginning, IT WAS/IS ONLY YOU. You could/can, stop, think, pray and ask God to forgive you and turn your attention to more useful, and pure content and more proper pursuits. 2. But if it (the congnitive activity) or thinking, or fantsizing continues….. it involves the object of your desire/lust and could lead to 3. This person then becomes your mental/emotional relationship partner. 4. Thus affecting your genuine relationship with your legitimate partner. 5. The result of this emotional involvement now also affects your relationship with God. Can you now see and understand how dangerous an emotional affair can be? Let’s move on! But before we move on so quickly, ponder this: We are tempted many times and in many ways, in one day.

Let us be clear: Temptation to sin is always from an external source. THAT SOURCE IS SATAN AND HIS EVIL ANGELS! HOWEVER, TO BE TEMPTED IS NOT THE SAME THING AS COMMITTING THE SIN! Your spouse or significant other may ask you at some point: “Were you ever tempted ‘to be with him or her’?” If you are honest, you will say yes, if that was the case. If you really understand what temptation is, your answer will not admit any guilt of a sin committed. Your questioner may not appreciate your answer and in their haste to convict you, may judge you “right on the spot”, guilty! Allow me to explain: We all know that Jesus, while on earth, was tempted by Satan daily! But Jesus “had his number!” In St. John’s Gospel, 14:30 KJV: Jesus said to His hearers, “Hereafter I will not talk much with you: for the prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me.” In other words, he found no responsive cord in Jesus’ life! In Luke’s Gospel, Chapter 4: verses1-13, Jesus Himself, was tempted by Satan three (3) times! But Jesus never sinned………Because he did not yield to the temptations of Satan! So “Take this to the bank!” If a thought comes into your mind and you immediately throw it out and do not dwell on it or cherish it, you have not sinned. But if you think on it, fantasize about it and put yourself into it; you have sinned.

SIGNS OF A PERSON HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

Let’s look at the activity that goes on in the mind of a tempted one for a few minutes. I was conversing with someone recently who holds the view that if you get impressions mentally to do evil, that you are demon-possessed. However, this is not the case at all! The case is made all thru the Bible that demonic angels are at work in the lives of every human being 100% of the time. You do not have to acknowledge this fact. It is a reality whether you acknowledge it or not!

As I continued to converse with the individual I advanced the idea that because we cannot actually audibly discern evil angels communicating with us or to us, it does not mean that they are not getting their nefarious messages to us. Allow me to explain: God has created many very important mediums of communication for us. However we can only utilize a few in our sinful state. Let’s look at light and sound. Light is represented by the term “spectrum”. Sound is represented by the term “frequency”. It so happens that we can knowingly hear some frequencies and many others we cannot detect audibly. Fortunately or unfortunately in some cases, our brains can nontheless “hear” them. This is precisely the reason that you can rehearse speeches, lesson plans, verbal responses, self-talk and other internal communication in your head. Satan utilizes this feature in his communication with us to do his bidding. (How he does it; we don’t know) Because you can hear or discern the devil speaking to you, does not mean that you are demon-possessed! Remember, that Satan spoke to Jesus in three (3) temptations! Jesus’ hearing him did not make him sinful or a partaker of his challenges. Jesus heard him and even talked to him. Jesus prevailed against Satan. You still, also, have your will and your power of choice to either act on his suggestions or to reject them. This gives us some insight into the battle that goes on in the mind. You can find this exciting story in Matthew’s gospel, Chapter 4, Verse 1-11.

So, how do you know when you are having or have had an emotional affair? Following are just a few signs….the list is not at all exhaustive:

1. You daydream and fantasize more about someone other than your spouse because they make you feel “good some kind’a way”.
2. You may feel that you “deserve more” for one reason or another.
3. You relish taking risks.
4. You are impulsive and act before thinking things thru. Incidentally, that’s how you got into the mess!
5. Not only do you think about the object of your illicit affection, you talk about them often as well and might have to check yourself that you do not betray your thinking when talking to your spouse.
6. You make up reasons or excuses to interact secretly with that person: such as stopping by their cubicle at work as often as you can.
7. You definitely cross boundaries.
8. You discuss your “family business” with ‘that’ person.
9. You feel a need for more privacy than normal….taking and making all phone calls in private.
10. You may begin “dressing to impress”.
11. You delete the text history on your cell phone.
12. You may engage your spouse in talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.
13. You may avoid intimate conversation with your spouse or “stonewall” them to avoid revealing your duplicity.
14. You may unconsciously begin to compare your spouse with “the object of your affection.”
15. Last but not least, you may be experiencing temporary highs; but you cannot share it with anyone because you are violating your marriage vows. No one has to tell you that your thinking is wrong and that if you continue it is going to lead to physical contact and more than likely illicit sexual contact as well. And again, you may deny it; but you have just experienced an emotional affair!

So, what do you do now? There will be different answers based on who you talk with. You have choices. But the emotional affair should not be taken lightly. Here are some suggestions:

1. If you have not violated physically, talk with your accountability partner. It is more likely that much of what has happened has just been in your “stupid head”. You still have a chance.
2. If your marital relationship is strong enough and your intimacy is well developed, you can share your true feelings with your spouse and you can re-commit at this point and take measures to treat the “bruise” you have inflicted upon your spouse and your relationship.
3. By all means, you must confess to God your sin of adultery, ask for forgiveness and take measures to make sure that you never get into that kind of situation again.
4. “Going forward”, a. you must stregthen yourself by building up your weakened “Spiritual Immune System” by prayer & Bible Study. b. Find out about boundaries, how you can employ them to monitor what you see, hear, touch, taste, think and feel.
5. Remember, that Jesus left us a very good example of how to deal with Satan’s temptations and REMEMBER THAT TO BE TEMPTED IS NOT THE SAME THING AS YIELDING TO IT!

Charles E. Creech, Author: “God’s holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!” (Available on Amazon in print or Kindle)

We are always hearing of some spiritual leader getting into an adulterous situation and losing his/her congregation and ministry after many years of building it up. We shake our heads and suck our teeth, “Tsk, Tsk, Tsk! What happend to them?! What were they thinking?” Someone speaks up and says, “What they needed was an accountability partner!” “A what?! What’s an acccountability partner ?” You, too, may be asking the same question. But, if you have to ask, you probably do need one! But for starters, we will explain who an accountability partner is and what they are designated to do. I just remembered an account of a very popular pastor of a large church who announced to his congregation early after coming to the church, that “I will make house calls and visitations; but I will always have someone with me. Why? Because it is not that I don’t trust you; it is because I do not trust myself!” What a powerful, telling, admission! Today, after many years of Christian service, he enjoys a highly successful ministry, a strong marriage, respectful children, dynamic upward mobility and the respect and admiration of thousands as a genuine spiritual leader. It is very likely that he had/has an accountability partner!

Ponder this text from the Bible written by one considered to be the wisest man who ever lived… Solomon, who wrote, ” My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding; that thou mayest regard discretion and that thy lips may keep knowledge” Proverbs 5: v. 1 and 2. This sounds like he was somebody’s accountability partner!

.In this blog we will give some guidelines to aid one in choosing an accountability partner and why if you are a spouse, a person who works with people outside of your home, a person whom you closely work with who are of the opposite sex, a spiritual leader, a person who works with children or juveniles, or political leader; you, in all probability, should have an accountability partner; hereinafter designated as “AP”.

Someone is going to say, “I don’t need anybody looking over my shoulder, telling me what to do, or watching me, or that I have to report to!” True! But, seeing that we are all humans and have passions, behaviours and weaknessess that are subtle and persistent to the point that we do not recognize the dangers that we are exposed to until it is too late…..and we do or say something that we should not have said or done, we need someone or something to help us monitor our behavior. That someone is an acccountability partner! I know so many individuals, including myself that could have been spared many problems in their lives…..if only they had and utilized an accountability partner!!

WHO IS AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER? (AP)

An accountability partner is a trusted companion who helps you make progress toward or maintain a commitment you have made. They also will assist you with insight or observations that can help you keep your marital commitment. So how do you find that right person? Generally, you should select a partner who is the same gender as you (unless it’s your spouse). There are reasons for and against your spouse being your AP. Primarily, the issue here is not secrecy; but a “safe” and comfortable environment to look objectively at possible choices you might make, and to consider if those choices will be good or bad. And not only that; but to clearly expose the long-range effects of such choices.

WHAT IS THE ROLE OF AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER?

An AP is like a partnership where you mutually agree to coach each other and provide feedback on a regular basis. With an accountability partner, you each agree to talk daily or weekly through feedback sessions where you share wins and talk about your current challenges. A true AP is on call 24/7. “When in doubt, give a shout!”………. to your AP.

WHAT ARE THE QUALIFICATIONS OF AN AP?

Look for someone who invites a two-way relationship. They do not have to be so “superior” to you as to make you feel “less than”. Nor should they be anyone whom you do not respect. The most important requirement is that they should be faithful in maintaining their own committment to their spouse. This prerequisite is fundamental and essential if one would be an accountability partner. The person you choose should not be judgmental and harsh but have a spirit of humility and empathy. At the same time that person must be honest with you; but not pontifical.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF ENGAGING AN AP?

When I was an substance use addiction counselor, we always told individuals who were aiming to avoid relapse: “to play the entire video through…..play the tape to the end!” If a person has an affinity for engaging in some forbidden or dangerous behavior, this is good advice. However, it is much better for one to discuss their leaning toward that enticing, dangerous behavior before they actually get so mentally and emotionally involved that they cannot stop their slide down the slippery slope of actually committing to that activity. As many people know quite well, once you yield to a temptation, it is possible to not go to full execution; but it is highly unlikely in most cases. So, how can an AP help?

Talking to your AP is somewhat like making a “pre-confession”. The difference is that you are in a safe, judgment-free environment. You can “open up” without “going to Hell!” The positive outcome you are looking for is an objective viewpoint to enable you to project yourself into the future of the decision you could or might make and what the implications of that decision or decisions could dictate without doing it. Following is a sample of how a conversation with your AP could go: “Hey Jill, I need to talk with you about something. I am having some issues. I want to talk with you about them. This is what is going through my mind. “So and So” at my job is giving me a lot of attention lately. They stop by my cubicle every day and talk to me. I kind’a like them because they are so nice and good looking too! Well, you know I am married, but sometime I feel like I am getting more attention from them than I get at home. I’m feeling some kinda way about this person. What do you think I oughta do?” If the conversation goes well and you listen, be honest with yourself and accept good advice……I said GOOD ADVICE!, you may save yourself and others a lot of heart break.

Accountability Partners may not always tell you what you want to hear, because you may be “hell bent” on what you want to do. But you had better listen and turn from your intended bad behavior. If you have the right accountability partner, you will be assited in making the right move. This is another reason that you should carefully choose an accountability partner! You don’t want to make the wrong choice because of the someone who is advising you, is not telling you the right thing!

WHEN SHOULD YOU “DROP” AN AP?

In the first place, if you have issues with infidelity; you cannot under any circumstances engage another adulteror as an accountability partner! From my experience as a substance abuse counselor, I made sure that none of my clients had sponsors that were still “using”. They HAD to be “clean”! This is when the two-way relationship kicks in. You actually help each other. Your partner should always express vulnerability as a real concern. Yet, they will also remind you and themselves of the commitment to remain firm in resisting the temptation to either “experiment” or yield to relapse. This is important! If your AP relapses, FIRE HIM/HER RIGHT AWAY AND WITHOUT APOLOGY! And get away from them fast!!

YELLOW FLAGS THAT INDICATE YOU NEED AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER (7 AREAS)

As we said earlier, even though you may have an excellent relationship with your spouse, you may and should have someone of your own sex to “run things by” to check your perceptions of where you are on various issues. However, now I am going to present to you 7 areas that you need to pay close attention to in order to stay out of situations that could potentially affect your marital relation harmfully. They are flashing yellow and red lights!

Spirituality, Boundaries, Commitment,
Emotional Attachment, Intimacy, and Trust.
A. Spirituality:

1. You may daydream and fantasize more about someone
   other than your spouse
2. You have no worthy accountability partners
3. You feel that you “deserve more” at your age…whatever
   that is (mid-life crisis?)
4. You feel that you are entitled because you have power
5. You become lax in your spiritual leadership in your home
6. You neglect cultivating and maintaining your relationship
   with God
   B. Boundaries:
7. You relish taking risks
8. You are impulsive and act before thinking things thru
9. You make up reasons or excuses to interact illicitly with the
   opposite sex
10. You like to flirt; but you don’t flirt with your spouse
11. You are overly confident that you can be exposed to the
    opposite sex without compromise at all times and
    situations
12. You have “roving eyes” on the opposite sex quite often
13. You are a “people pleaser”
14. You put yourself at risk by ignoring boundaries
15. You discuss your ‘family business’ with members of the
    opposite sex
    C. Commitment to Your Marriage Vows
16. You are increasingly unappreciative
17. You feel you need more privacy than normal…taking and
    making all phone calls in private, etc.
18. You delete the text history on your cellular phone
19. You set up multiple e-mail or social media accounts
20. You avoid family or other social events
21. You suddenly spend a lot of time with someone else
22. Your choice of body fragrances may change suddenly
23. You dress differently (to impress)
24. You are gone longer on errands or out of the house
25. You may spend more time at work or away from home D. Communication Problems
26. You unusually pick fights with your spouse
27. You may become overly critical, distant or non-communi-
    cative
28. You are avoiding intimate conversation in order to avoid
    confrontations with your spouse (stonewalling)
29. You may do more talking to your spouse than usual about
    “stuff” that is not important
30. You are bored with job, kids, marriage and life generally
31. You are feeling confused in your thinking
32. You are experiencing professional burnout
33. You secretly resent your spouse for something they have
    done or said; but you find it difficult to express your feelings
    to them
    E. Emotional Attachment
34. You are spending less time with your spouse
35. You are being less affectionate
36. You show no concern or jealousy about your spouse
37. You do not touch your spouse as much as before
38. Your actual behavior has changed in some ways
39. You are approaching a middle age milestone
    F. Intimacy
40. There is a change in the quality of your emotional intimacy
    within your relationship
41. You want more me time and less we time
42. You are feeling neglected in your relationship
43. You are greedy for attention…as in compliments
44. When you suspect a threat to your marriage, you ignore it
    instead of discussing it with your spouse or counselor
45. You no longer affirm your love for your spouse
46. You are in your spouse’s presence; but not present
47. Your attitude and demeanor has changed (negative), you
    may be angry about something and holding it in
48. You are not as interested in your mate sexually
    G. Trust
49. Your temperament changes due to “guilty thinking” and
    Confusion
50. You are unnecessarily defensive at mention of infidelity or
    affairs
51. You may run when no one is chasing you (paranoia)
52. You become extra secretive in your behavior
53. You may start lying to your spouse about little things
54. You do not share your true feeling with your spouse
55. You think your spouse is always trying to outperform you,
    outsmart you or embarrass you?

There are 55 signs mentioned in this self-examination list. They are in very important areas of married life.If you can identify with 1-5 of these identifiers you need towork on yourself and your relationship.
If you can identify with 10, you have a real problem.
If you can identify with 15, you and your spouse should be in
counseling! This list is not exhaustive; but it covers a considerable amount
of ground. If you take the statements seriously and are honest
with yourself, you can benefit tremendously. The warning signs
are clear. ARE YOU AT RISK? ….IF SO, DO SOMETHING ABOUT
IT!! Acts 17:30 says, “And the times of this ignorance God
winked at; but now commandeth all men everywhere to
repent.”Now you Know! GET YOURSELF AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER!! You will be glad you did!

Charles E. Creech, Author: “God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.

The caption on the image above states a very insightful fact! In this blog we will talk about forgiveness and how giving it to someone is so beneficial to both the offender and the victim; especially in the marital relationship. Please note that the principles presented in this blog are useful in dealing with any relationship issue such as family incidents and dysfunction, work related conflicts, “church hurt” issues, etc, and even crimes committed against someone or groups of peoples. In other words, not just for married individuals or victims/perpetrators of infidelity.

What’s the “Big Deal” about forgiveness?

In many instances, we are reluctant to forgive because the hurt, pain and losses that have been inflicted are so great, so devastating, and so deep. For those of you who are familiar with the Gospels, Jesus told his hearers this: ” He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” (St. Matthew 19:18) In other words, because people were so unwilling to forgive their spouses for offending them….they just divorced them! We still have the same problems with forgiveness today! This blog will talk about it today, exposing many misconceptions about the subject.

Forgiveness, What is it, anyway? It is a big deal when people simply refuse to forgive individuals, organizations, cultural groups of people and various ethnicities because of treatment that they have received from them.

Forgiveness is giving up your right to punish or hurt someone who has hurt you, to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, and to cancel a debt. It is important to remember that forgiveness is not given because it deserves to be given. Whether the perpetrator deserves forgiveness or not; is not the determining criteria, as to whether to extend forgiveness. Thank God, it is founded on more concrete principles than that!

Many people have varied, personal concepts of what forgiveness is or what it should be. Also forgiving is both an acquired behavior as welI as a divinely inspired behavior. Both aspects will determine how we view and practice forgiveness. Let’s take a quick look at both of them.

Acquired Forgiveness Behavior: Some of you may remember (if you were reared (raised) with your siblings, that when you did something to hurt your brother or sister, you were told to “Say I’m Sorry!” And you did. You grew up with a knowledge that when you wronged someone you had the responsibility to make it right. It also meant that you had to accept the other sibling’s apology……in other words; forgive them. If you really learned the object of this teaching, you learned to forgive and be forgiven. Of course, when you became an adult, you just continued to use those character traits you learned as a child.

Divinely Inspired Forgiveness Behavior: On the other hand, forgiveness in the life of a genuine Christian has much more depth. Forgiveness becomes so much a part of your spiritual experience that you cannot function without utilizing it often. For instance: Jesus emphasized in His prayer, that we should forgive others of their trespasses against us, then He would forgive us our trespasses. (Matt. 6:12) “And forgive us our debts,as we forgive our debtors.” You cannot do this without divine help!

I will go ahead and predict that some people reading this blog will reject the descriptions of forgiveness offered in the next few paragraphs. We will touch on several commonly held concepts of forgiveness. As you read, you can see and maybe understand those that apply to your situation.

“Concealed Carry” Forgiveness: This kind of forgiveness is given in such a manner that the offender does not feel forgiven nor does the victim really mean it. They have said it with their mouth but their heart is not in it. They feel better to be known as one who forgives “hard”. They might even think that forgiving one is being weak or too soft. This is not genuine forgiveness.

“Open Carry” Forgiveness: This is the person who displays their forgiving spirit like a badge or a Glock 9mm in their holster. It is kept “at the ready”, to draw and fire, or they brag about their abiliy to forgive. Here again, their forgiveness is not genuine. Cross them again and you will find out how forgiving they are! They are even apt to keep record of how many times they forgive you. This is not forgiveness that meets God’s standard.

“Partial Forgiveness or Conditional Forgiveness: High on the list of this “forgiver” is that it you don’t confess your tresspass to them before it comes to their attention and ask for it before you are prompted to do so that the forgiveness is not deserved. Therefore since you really did not apologize or ask for forgiveness the forgiveness is not valid. This is not genuine forgiveness. I can only point to two individuals and how they handled situations like that. Those two people were Jesus and Stephen. Jesus on the cross: Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” And Stephen while being stoned to death, said, “Father, forgive them; they do not know what they are doing”. There is a principle here. That is, we must extend forgiveness even if it is not asked for and certainly if it is solicited!

I was thinking about the problematic forgiveness that is “only valid if you ask for it”. I thought about Peter who betrayed Christ. the incident is related to in the Gospels; but only Mark records how Jesus dealt with Peter’s failure. Mark is the only Gospel writer who brings out the point that when Jesus arose from the grave on the first day of the week, (Sunday) the angel said to the women who had come to the tomb, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is risen! See the place where they laid Him. But go, tell his disciples-and Peter-that He is going before you into Galileee; there you will se Him, as He said to you.” The lesson here is: Jesus sent Peter grace BEFORE Peter had an opportunity to ask for it. “As *James Edwards points out, “if the word of grace from the resurrected Lord includes a traitor like Peter, readers of the gospel may rest assured that it includes those of their community who have also failed”. And that goes for clergy and all sinners also! We must never forget who Peter was and what he did. YET JESUS FORGAVE HIM! ( *James R. Edwards (born 1945) is an American New Testament scholar. … His primary research interests include Biblical studies and the history of the early church.)

Graded Forgiveness: Many people have a tendency to minimize or justify their bad behavior by comparing it to someones else’s behavior. They make statements like: “Well, I didn’t do what you did! Plus the fact, I did this and that and you didn’t! When I hear statements like that, I think of a statement made by Dr. Gerald Horne in his insightful book, “The Counter Revolution of 1776″ when he exposes the hypocrisy of the English, French and Spanish when they tried to minimize their involvement in the slave trade in the 18th Century. They were all trying to look good in the public’s eye. He makes it clear that he understood what they had done. He said they could only boast, “I have on the cleanest dirty shirt!” This falls short of genuine forgiveness! Therefore, we conclude there must be no grading of sin nor measuring our forgiveness! This is no forgiveness at all.

Revocable Trust Forgiveness: This is the type of forgiveness that is agreed to but is taken back after a time or some event. In fact, they will tell you, “I’m taking back my forgiveness! You dont deserve it!” This kind of forgiveness is really phony.

“Limited Warranty Forgiveness”: (With an expiration date) This is a kind of forgiveness that is offered for a limited time. (until you cross them again. Then it’s over. ) It is also what I term “compartmentalized forgiveness”. In this case, one would say, “I forgive you for what you did; but not for the way you handled it!” How hypocritical! This kind of forgiveness does not “make the cut”! Even, Jesus said that when one commandment is broken, the sinner is guilty of breaking them all. The bottom line is, sin is wholistic. Sort of like trying to split an atom with an axe. Luke 17: 3-4 Says ³ “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, ⁴ and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

“Bonded or Collateralized” Forgiveness: This is the type of forgiveness that is extended as long as the “forgiver” is compensated by the suppliant’s good behavior. It is usually employed with a threat that it will be taken back if some rule or behavior is broken or executed. The offender is kept in a state of nervous flux in fear of their security being taken or losing something valuable to them; or worse being exposed in some way. It is somewhat like being “blackmailed”! This is not forgiveness that God recognizes.

“Unconditional Forgiveness”, Genuine: Last but not least, is genuine forgiveness. “Now you’re talking!! It is giving up your right to punish someone who has wronged you. It is not taking it back. It is throwing the sin against you into the depths of the *Marianas Trench, (The deepest sea on earth, 7+ miles deep). It is restoring the offender to a position of acceptance again. You will need to keep in mind that you are also a sinner and offender. God has forgiven you (if you asked Him) and you must forgive others.

The strong temptation is to make the infidel pay……”pay me back for my pain, pay me back for my lost memories, pay for  my lost time, pay me for my lost status, pay me for lost trust, pay me for destroyed intimacy, pay me for my lost opportunities, pay me for my lost self-esteem, and most importantly, pay me for all the time that you deceived me; pay me for ruining my life, you unfaithful louse (spouse)!!  PAY ME!! We want the errant spouse to hurt like we hurt. The awful truth is, the unfaithful spouse or perpetrator, can never repay you for what they have robbed, ruined and destroyed! But there is Someone who can!! Have you ever heard of propitiation?

Propitiation……What is it? Propitiation carries the basic idea of appeasement or satisfaction, specifically toward God. Propitiation is a two-part act that involves appeasing the wrath of an offended person and being reconciled to him/her.  Only Jesus Christ can offer propitiation for our sins. No human being can offer payment for sins; not even their own sins. While we know that God forgives sins. We also understand that it is not that simple. The Bible informs us that “the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life.” Therefore, sins are paid for…….by the blood of Jesus!….not just forgiven!

Why the unfaithful spouse cannot pay: No one can pay for the sins they have committed. ….no one!  There is hope however. There is hope for the wounded spouse to be “paid”. There is a term in the Bible called propitiation.  Romans 3:23-25 says “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;  3:24,  Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption  that is in Christ Jesus. 3:25 , Whom God hath set forth [to be] a propitiation (payment) through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God”

The unfaithful partner must show evidence of sincere effort to change his/her ways. However, this activity must never be perceived as payment. Authors Chapman and Thomas put it this way: You must release the person to God. “So the person who is feeling hurt and angry toward another who has treated him/her unfairly is to release that person to an all-knowing heavenly Father who is fully capable of doing what is just and right toward that person.”

It is imperative to always forgive; for we are reminded in the Lord’s Prayer that our trespasses will be forgiven as we forgive the trespasses of others who have trespassed against us. When forgiveness has been requested and been given by the injured party, it is disingenuous behavior for them to interact with the infidel as though they are still holding their behavior over their head. It may be very difficult; but they must exercise every ounce of strength to resist this temptation.  We will address this later.

Forgiveness is not fair. Think of it! Adam and Eve sinned. Adam sinned knowingly. They both put another one before God, they coveted, they stole and lied. God had every right to kill them. Instead, He forgave them (gave up His rights) and presented them with His plan (Genesis 3:15) to completely eradicate the tragic results of their transgression.  Even though we are not God, and can never be; He has set the example for us to follow. We must forgive. Forgiveness is a conscious choice that we must decide to make or decide not to make. That is His way.

Where does forgiveness begin?  A good question, isn’t it? One could determine that forgiveness should begin with the offender. Others may insist that forgiveness should be sought from the offended.  Let us consider carefully that the process of forgiveness is a delicate process.  If an unfaithful spouse has gone through the process of confession, and repentance; the next step should be an APOLOGY. There can be no serious bid for forgiveness without accepting responsibility for the sinful behavior and offering a heart-felt apology for the same.

The offended party needs to hear and feel the sincerity of such an apology. One could argue that the apology should be made to oneself first and then to the offended parties; however the process to recovery could be rendered weaker or less effective as the offender may think that they are “alright”; because they have reconciled the conflict/affair in their own minds. 

4 Important Risks of Refusing To Forgive

If you are not a Christian, forgiveness may not make any sense to you. But if you are a genuine Christian, you will recognize that there are real dangers to be avoided or experienced by individuals who refuse to forgive. I will list only four:

A. Spiritual: As a Christian, You risk losing your salvation because you refuse to forgive. Refusing to forgive your offender makes you a very miserable hypocrite! Jesus in His prayer recorded in St. Luke 11: 2-4, said, “Pray then like this: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”.

B. Psychological: The person who refuses to forgive another, spends too much cognitive enegery nursing their wounds. They destroy their own productivity by dwelling on negativity. It is a known fact that people who are most plesant and positive are individuals who do not hold grudges. It is a known fact that people who forgive are much happier and healthier. It takes a lot of mental energy to maintain a grudge. You will be so much more pleasant and positive if you don’t use your cognitive resources in staying angry and negative.

C. Social: The social results of holding grudges and refusing to forgive causes an individual to be unpleasant to be around. They are many times very negative and evil-surmising. People do not want to be around you because “you stink!” (Not aromatically, of course) But it is not plesant to have such individuals like you in their presence.

D. Physical: Individuals who forgive are much helathier and live longer than people who maintain grudges forever. For instance: Their blood pressure is better, their digestion is better, their energy level is higher, they have stronger immune systems, just to list a few benefits. Solomon, the wise man once said, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones”. Proverbs 17:22 KJV

As we stated earlier, being a Christian should make the process of forgiving less of a challenge. However, it is not guaranteed. It takes a lot of energy or resources from your brain chemistry to think or perrform all of the movements and processes in our bodies. We need to use that energy in positive ways and on positive thoughts! It is much easier for “brain health” to think positive thoughts, and have pleasant scenes going thru our imaginations. So we conclude that forgiveness even from a humanistic vantage point; it is still intrinsically better to forgive those who have wronged us!

“How To Forgive”.

Finally, I would be remiss in my duty to my readers if I did not address this final issue: How Do I Forgive? #1. The first thing you need to understand is that not forgiving is like trying to put water into a bottle but not letting the air out. It is very difficult; if not downright impossible! You should choose to forgive; but you don’t have to. You have an obligation from God to forgive; but you don’t have to. You have a choice. You can forgive or you can wallow in the mud of vitrolic hate and anger for the rest of your life! But, just remember, that God will not forgive you if you do not forgive those who have wronged you.

The gospel writer, Matthew, says in Matthew 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there. rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; and 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first. This is a good place to start. Don’t even go to church and offer God any praise, or money if you are carrying a grudge for someone and won’t let it go! You are wasting your time and being a hypocrite too. So, choose to forgive! #2. In all of the above presentation, my appeal to you is: if you want real closure to any devastating event in your life, or if someone has done you terribly wrong; your healing begins with genuine, divine, unconditional FORGIVENESS! The sooner you do it; the sooner and better you will feel!

Charles E. Creech, Author, God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!! Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.

“Shot by The Revenue Man!”

To begin this blog today, I have a few questions to ask you:

1. Have you suffered from being betrayed by an adulterous, lying spouse?
2. Did they “keep you in the dark” (for whatever their “reasons” there were) about their dirty deed(s), making “a fool out of you”?
3. Even though it has been many years ago and it seems as though it just happened yesterday, do you still get flashbacks and and sit and ruminate about how you were “played” and your life has been ruined?
4. You may even be divorced from them now, but do you still get angry and curse and fume every time you think about them? (Re-playing “what could have been” scenarios)?
5. Does everything that annoys you remind you of your unfaithful spouse?
6. When you watch the “trashrality (reality), “baby-daddy” (paternity) confirmation shows and other voyeur media, do you wish your offender had taken a lie detector test so that you could have caught them?
7. Do you wish that you could overcome these feelings that are ruining your present emotional, and mental health? That it would all go away; but you can’t let it go?
8. Are you plagued by your memories of a moral fall of your own that you can’t seem to shake off or have closure on; even after many, many, years? Are you still asking yourself, “Why did I do that?” I don’t know what happened to me……….. and I did that!”
9. Do you feel like and often verbalize that your whole married life has been ruined by your unfaithful spouse?
10. Does mental images of your spouse’s infidelity keep “popping up” and dominating your thinking most of your day or worse….every day?

If you can answer most of the questions in the affirmative, then…….”You’ve been shot by the revenue man!” What am I talking about??! Keep reading!

The image above and the caption is a cliche’ from many years ago, back during the days of prohibition in the U.S. As always the business of making and selling alcoholic beverages has always been very lucrative. People drink alcohol sometimes get addicted; but nevertheless continue drinking, much to the delight of the distiller or moonshiner. Recognizing the potential of alcoholic beverages to force people to spend very large sums of money, even at the risk of losing home, property, family and even life; the state governments greedily levied taxes on liquor sales. When they couldn’t get their money from illegal liquor sales and dishonest bootleggers, they sent the Revenue Man after “their” money. He was “not nice”! His objective was not only to apprehend the moonshiner that day; but to maim or disable him from operating moonshine stills in the future (without killing him). Thus, the saying was coined: “If you ever get shot by the revenue man; you might get better; but you’ll NEVER get well!” When marital infidelity is experienced in your relationship, it is sort of like that saying has been expressed. We will explain as we go along.

In our last blog we talked about “When To Let Go”. We mentioned 7 Ground Rules to help you put your experience behind you. We will briefly review them: You can read them in detail in the previous blog.

1. Exercise respectful conduct. (No bullying, intimidation or threats)
2. Dialog honestly and courteously.
3. Resist the urge to be “judge, jury and executioner”.
4. Understand the difference between “Confession” and “Acknowledgement”
5. Resist the urge to be pejorative.
6. Be willing to get professional help if neccessary.
7. Exercise the right attitude as you approach recovery.

Now to our topic for today: What does being “Shot By The Revenue Man” have to do with recovery from adultery in anyone’s life? A Lot!! The Revenue Man inflicted traumatic and permanent physical and mental injury upon his targets. Likewise, adultery does the same thing to a marriage in many ways. It takes a decided and sustained effort to deal with the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual damage caused by adultery. Today we will list a few tips to aid one in their effort to “get better” in their marital relationship after adultery in their marriage. We will be concentrating mostly on why and how one’s mental attitude affects their rate of recovery. Let’s turn to the Bible for counsel:

The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Phillipians 3:13, says “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”. Paul is telling us that there comes a time in which we must forget the things in our past and reach forward to the future. In another text we are reminded of the fact that we are what we think Proverbs 23:7 tells us that “For as he thinketh in his heart, so [is] he”: So if we are to overcome the effects of adultery in our life,or any other traumatic or disturbing event in our lives, we must find a way or ways to prevent the thoughts and ruminations of our minds from keeping us living in the past. We are talking about Mental Health. How is this accomplished? But before we offer any suggestions, we should look at some existing or pre-existing conditions or situations that should be addressed:

1. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): Many times, adults have had traumatic or very negative experiences during their childhood’s and early adolescent formative years. These events are referred to by the mental health experts as “Adverse Childhood Experiences. These could be (a) injuries to their personhood by put downs by one or both of their parents; (b) always being blamed for something someone else did, or being called a liar repeatedly when they were telling the truth! (c) other times being “put on the back burner” of their parents’ priorities. (d) Another ACE is witnessing the physical or mental abuse of one of their parents by the other. (e) Some children were subjected to physical, verbal, or sexual abuse by their mom’s or dad’s spouse of partner; or in the worst case scenario….sexual abuse by their own parent! (f) Other cases originate in how they were treated or mistreated by their childhood or adolescent peers. This list is by no means exhaustive. I am sure you can think of others. The bottom line is that this baggage that you have carried all of your life, is surely brought into a marital relationship in very many marriages and can cause many problems if they are not recognized and neutralized before they get into a marital relationship.

2. The courtship period of a romantic relationship is a time for a couple to learn as much as they can about how their boyfriend/girlfriend approaches certain problem-solving issues. During this time it is very easy to overlook serious character, emotional, ethical, spiritual, self-esteem and cognitive issues; just to mention a few; because they are so enamored and “dumb-struck” with each other that they just cannot be objective about things that are clear to onlookers; such as parents, siblings, friends, and others.

3. Another problem that may prepare a couple for “trouble down the road”, is sometimes an issue can be detected or discovered by one or both parties but one or both of them may verbalize the attitude that “I can change them!” After you are married, you find out unfortunately, you can’t!

POST INFIDELITY STRESS DISORDER

What is that? It a series of negative or painful mental/emotional reactions or results that are triggered by reference to or memory of an act of marital infidelity and experienced by a person so affected. These reactions can result in the victim becoming depressed, angry, combative, negative and otherwise reactive. In some cases, if not treated, PISD can actually, eventually lead to personality changes, physical illness, cognitive decline, memory loss, accelerated dimentia, bizaar behavior and/or withdrawal from society. Individuals so affected by the symptoms mentioned above should get professional help, or consider joining a support group. We will now address several points (by no means exhaustive) on dealing with Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD)

1. Work thru your feelings: When we have either committed a serious violation or suffered a violation to us, we may (if we are normal) suffer the results of that trauma for a long time. We have examples from the Bible of a few characters who had such an experience. Let’s look at Jacob first: The story is told in Genesis 27: verses 1-41. Jacob commited the sin of stealing the birthright from Esau his older brother. Consequently, Jacob had to “leave town” to keep his brother from killing him. What he had done troubled him until he made it right with his brother. Chapters 32 and 33 relates the story of how Jacob came to terms with his brother and with God. It was not easy; but he got through it. Second, we cite David, who had committed adultery with a man’s wife and then had him murdered. The story is related in 2 Samuel Chapters 11 and 12 of his great sin. David suffered tremendous guilt, emotional and mental pain as a result of his sins. And no wonder….This was a man who had committed adultery with another man’s wife and then had him killed to cover up his sin!! WHO DOES THAT??!! Psalms 32: 1-7 relates what David went through. He said, “When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.” Some of his greatest psalms came from the period of time when he was going through that experience of working thru his feelings. Psalms 69 is a good example of how to work thru our feelings when dealing with our sins. The “bottom line” is that only you and God can do this work. You cannot and must not blame anyone else for your recovery. As the saying goes: “The ball is in your court!”
2. Break free from your past! As stated earlier, a good place to start is: Philippians 3:13 which says “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 3:14, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” I know that this suggestion is much harder done than said! But it is doable if you will follow a few simple rules and set in place a few boundaries, which we will talk about now:
3. Avoid and/or Eliminate all of Your Trauma Triggers. How do we get or receive TT? Trauma Triggers can come from external and internal sources. However, most come to our minds from the outside. We will deal with the external first: To avoid TTs, one recovering from infidelity must guard the “avenues” of their soul. Or put another way, they must be concious of what they watch, listen to, read, and talk about. This will include careful self-monitoring of the watching or listening to of voyoueristic TV or radio shows, videos, porn, and other media that are not only not spiritual; but could be morally corrupting, offer no solutions, are only entertainment, and most imporrtantly, only serve to keep you imprisioned in the world of “coulda, woulda, shoulda!” Your thoughts, emotions, anger and biases are chained…..frozen, hopelessly stuck in the mire of the negative past.
4. Why you should avoid watching TV/Movie Celebrity People’s Reality/Talk Shows is: YOU ARE IN MARITAL INFIDELITY RECOVERY! Your emotions are probably already raw enough! You do not need that negative stimulation! The major reason most of the shows are popular is because they are produced for entertainment. The “situations” offered are not spiritually based and are more secular and popular and in many instances suggesting revenge; rather than love or forgiveness. Many viewers, if hurt or damaged because of an infidelity in their marriage, they are immediately drawn into a net of sympathetic or revengeful thinking which they then TRANSFER into their own experience. They enter into the experience so much that they want the perpertrator to be punished, exposed or otherwise hurt to pay you for their sins! YOU CANNOT HEAL WHEN YOU KEEP OPENING THE WOUND!! You cannot advance unless you change your thinking habits. The Apostle Paul wrote this to the Christians in Philippi: Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.” I think that is very good advice. Do you agree?
5. Genuinely forgive your offender. Here’s why: At the very heart of Recovery and Letting Go is FORGIVENESS. This is where most people fail in their attempt to overcome the pain and disappointment of marital infidelity in their marriage. But forgiveness is fundamental to getting well. The Gospel writer, Matthew in Chapter 6, verses 12, 14 and 15 records the prayer of Jesus that He taught His disciples. It has much meaning for us in dealing with Him and human beings. “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” There was a TV program recently that featured a woman whose son had been murdered. As she was being interviewed, she stated that she held no malice for her son’s killer. She said, “I had to forgive him. I had no choice! If I don’t forgive him, God will not forgive me!” But, she really did have a choice. She could have chosen not to forgive and carried that load of vitriolic hate for the rest of her life. BUT, she CHOSE to forgive. She now no longer had to offer Satan rent-free space in her head. She no longer felt the need to “bring it up” at every opportunity that came her way. SHE WAS NOW FREE!! Equally important, she secured her place in Heaven because Jesus would now also forgive her of her sins. Oh, if people could only learn and practice The Lord’s Prayer! This would be a much better world and there would be more healing in the land, and especially in marriages. Conversely, you can “take this to the bank”, if you keep the sins of your perpetrator ever before them, you can be sure that you have not forgiven them and infortunately you may be in danger of missing Heaven. (that’s putting it nicely, you know the other place!)
6. Resist the urge to connect everything that happens to you presently, to your experience of loss, pain, and disappointment. If you want to be chained to and smothered by negativety from you your past, just keep linking everything, you see, hear, or feel presently to those thoughts and experiences! YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER! It will not be easy; but you must immediately control your mind and turn your thoughts into another direction. This is an important choice you must make. Try this from the wise man, Solomon: Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so [is] he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee” Remember……you are what you think. You must control your mind and not let it wander, dwell, and ruminate an excessive amount of time on negativity. Free your mind…..Free yourself!” Find something positive to do. Keep busy doing things to help others. This will keep you from feeling “blue” all of the time. It is a true saying that: “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop!” Deny him the space!! Today!!
7. Seek help from God. I offer to you David’s experience in Psalms 142: verses 1-7 for you to ponder and digest how you can implement the principles in your own experience. From: Maschil of David: A Prayer when he was in a cave running from his enemies. “I cried unto the LORD with my voice; with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication. I poured out my complaint before him; I showed before him my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path. In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me. I looked on [my] right hand, and beheld, but [there was] no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul. I cried unto thee, O LORD: I said, Thou [art] my refuge [and] my portion in the land of the living. Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I. Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name: the righteous shall compass me about; for thou shalt deal bountifully with me.” I know that when we pray like that…..and mean it, throwing ourselves on God’s breast (so to speak) without any shame or restraint, that He WILL do something powerfully effective for you! TRY HIM!
8. Ask God to do what you cannot do for yourself! Ask Him to give you a new attitude. Israel’s King David, had committed some awful sins as earlier mentioned. In the 51st division of Psalms, we see how he poured out his heart to God. I would paraphrase it; but the language is too engaging, the tone so intense and the word so powerful; that I must let each stanza “speak” for itself. One cannot help but be moved by its intensity! (To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba): Verses 2-19: “Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 51:2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 51:3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me. 51:4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done [this] evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, [and] be clear when thou judgest. 51:5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. 51:6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 51:8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; [that] the bones [which] thou hast broken may rejoice. 51:9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 51:11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit. 51:13 [Then] will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. 51:14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: [and] my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 51:15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise. 51:16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give [it]: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 51:17 The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 51:18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 51:19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar. I believe that if you approach God this way; whether you are the perpertrator or the victim, God will hear you and change your revengful or self deprecating spirit and enable you to look at your experience from a position of defeat to one of victory!
9. Grieve your losses, (accept closure) and “walk away!” When people talk about closure, they are often times talking about making a situation “right”, restoring things to the way they were, discovering why this thing happened to them, why did they do this to me?, inclusive of giving my tormentor “some of their own medicine” and the list goes on. By the same token, individuals who have, themselves, been in adulterous situations, may also ask the same questions of themselves. Why did I do it?! I don’t know what happened! That was not me!! So, it helps considerably that one in recovery must really understand what closure is and what it is not. Closure (by the way) is: Something that you once counted on as very important to your life is over and done. “Closure means acceptance of what has happened and honoring the transition away from what is finished to something new.” (Psychology Today, April 6, 2011) Below are listed some things you can do to hasten closure:
10. Take full responsibility for yourself. You must no longer blame someone else for your present condition. To continue to blame others for your past, will keep you stuck in the past.
11. You must honestly grieve your loss……but not forever. At some point, you must give it to God and leave it there!
12. Seek Professional Help: We have talked about many issues relating to recovery from marital infidelity. We must…. as a last resort mention how very important it is to seek and get professional psychological or psychiatric help if you need to. You do not have to go thru the rest of your life regretting your bad choices and living in the fantasy world of “coulda, woulda, shoulda!” That is the place that Satan wants to keep you. Make your “fast break” for freedom and take your life back!” WHEN YOU CHOOSE to begin, you will get better and it is very likely you will get well!!

Charles E. Creech, author of: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! It is available on Amazon in hard copy and Kindle

This blog is written to aid married individuals to:

1. Discover and learn ways to protect, enhance and if neccessary to recover from infidelity that may have severely damaged their marital relationships.
2. To take an approach that is: Spiritual, Logical, Clinical and Practical.

Everyone who reads these blogs will not be amenable to the Spiritual approach; and that’s OK. But by the same token, logical, clinical and practical material may be difficult to discount. It is my hope that all aspects of the information presented will be given a fair hearing in the “court of your reasoning” as you seek answers to your questions about recovery.

Even though we have been talking about HEDGES for two issues, it is not too soon to talk about RECOVERY. In fact, this may be what you need right at this moment. Very many individuals who have been hurt by their spouse’s infidelity have serious difficulty in dealing with coming to the point of closure. In some cases, individuals are consumed with constantly thinking and ruminating about what was done to them and how it was dealt with. Other times victims are obsessed with the idea that they must know every detail and minutia of their spouses adulterous acts and behavior before they can have closure. While it is very true that acts of violence and many things done to us stay in our minds a very long time; maybe forever. These injuries to our soul can be healed and can be overcome if the victims seek and acquire the help they need. As a sidebar, I am reminded of an experience I had when I was still in my teens (19). I met an old lady (somewhere between 75 and 80 as I remember). I could see that she was once a very attractive woman. To describe her briefly, she had long black hair streaked with platinum gray strands. Her skin was the color of almond shells. Her facial features were well porportioned. In other words, at that age she was still attractive. I was a book salesman trainee and my sales manager had acquired a room in her house for me to rent while I was working in that city. We will address her as “Mrs. D”.

In the course of my stay at Mrs. D’s home, I met a family to which I became quite attached. They were much like people in the neighborhood that I had left back in Minden, WV. ……..”Down to earth” and very cordial. It was a family with a single mother who had about four youth of my age and grandchildren down to 3 or 4 years old. I enjoyed being with this family because interaction with them filled a void left by my having to leave my family and friends back home.

Eventually, in conversation with my land lady, Mrs. D, I found out something very devastating had happened to Mrs. D. She told me that the oldest son of the matriarch of the family that I had established a relationship with had raped her. She was still furious about this terrible thing that had happened to her. She talked about it every day with wrath and vitrol as if it had happened the night before. I felt very sorry for her even though at my young age, I did not fully understand all of the powerfully painful and negative impacts rape makes on a person’s spirit and life. Further, she strongly expressed to me that I should not be associating with such people. Though I felt sorry for her painful experience, I had problems understanding why she was still carrying around all of this hate, anger and ill will for so long. From my viewpoint, it certainly did not seem to bother the matriarch of my adopted family. In truth, the alledged rapist had been acquitted in court. I am convinced Mrs. D carried all of this rage and anger to her grave. I truly hope that she gave it up to God, before!

Years later, as I look back on this experience I realize that unfortunately, Mrs. D was the victim and was the willing prisoner of her past. Please do not get this twisted! I am in no way condoning rape. What I am focusing on is that when something traumatic happens to us, we must deal with it properly and sometimes clinically and professionally, and not allow it to control our lives forever. We MUST find ways to reconcile our minds with reality and focus in positive ways on our recovery rather than replay the mental images, and experiences daily, constantly, or forever. It is not hard to see that such a response by a victim or the perpertrater can only lead to a miserable existence which is not neccessary when so much help is available. So, this month, although I wanted to advance along a progressive stream from beginning of adultery to recovery, I decided to detour because I was impressed that someone needs this message NOW! Before I go into this month’s blog, I offer you this quote from my book, “God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!”: “If you have fallen, what are your options? When a client asked her counselor, “What should we do to get our marriage back on track?” He said, “You have several choices. 1.You can run out and get a costly and painful divorce, as many offended partners do, and fight each other as bitter enemies for the remainder of your lives. 2. Or you can stay and frequently rub their nose into their self-created mess for the rest of your lives and despise one another, or 3. you can both work towards cleaning the slate of what has happened between you, and work towards the restoration of your once happy marriage. You choose!”

STEPS TO RECOVERY: FOR VICTIMS AND OFFENDERS

Sometimes, though rarely, couples who have suffered adultery try to deal with the violations on their own. Most times they are not successful. At other times they may involve their spiritual leaders or others whom they trust. Still some situations may require professional help because feelings may be so intense that it is advisable to have an impartial mediator or counselor present to insure order, prevent abuse, bullying, and promote free expression of all parties without interruption, threats, coercion or intimidation. Having said that, let’s move to the next area of concern.

PREREQUISITES FOR RECOVERY

GROUND RULES

1. Be willing to excercise respectful conduct: Both parties must commit to respectful conduct: No bullying, no name calling and no foul language is acceptable at any time.
2. Dialog must be honest but respectful nevertheless
3. There must exist a continual resistance to being “judge, jury and excutioner”.
4. Both parties should possess a knowledge of the difference between “confession” and acknowledgement”. Example #1- David said after his adultery with Bathsheba 51:3 “For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me”. Example #2 -David had Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband murdered by putting him on the front line to be killed so he could take Bathsheba to marry. He had no plans of confessing anything to anybody. But when Nathan, God’s prophet approached David with the truth of his sinful and deadly behavior, In 2 Samuel 12:13 “David said unto Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD“. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. This was acknowledgement but not confession before discovery. This is a very important aspect of how to deal with your unfaithful spouse. The fact that they may admit their sin after discovery does not discount the fact that they did own up to it at all. God accepted David’s very late admission and we should accept our spouses admissions also.
5. Both parties must resist the urge to be perjorative.
6. Both parties should be willing to get professional help if neccessary.
7. Be willing to exercise the right attitude as you approach recovery. a. Be willing to exercise grace and mercy rather than punishment. b. Realize the offender cannot possibly pay you for your lossess: Matthew 18: 22-35 gives us a perfect example of how to handle an unfaithful spouse who has hurt you; or you have been unfaithful and has hurt someone. “

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took [him] by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? Answer: The 10,000 talents represented even at that time more than the annual budget of several cities. It would have taken him over 5,000 years to repay the money. Jesus’ parabolic illustration made it clear that you can not pay your way for your sins. As that wicked servant could not repay, You cannot be paid, neither can You ever pay for the hurt, pain and loss you have caused. Further, as long as you continue to demand payment from someone else rather than forgiving them of the debt, God is not going to forgive you of your debt to Him. This is Biblical forgiveness: BE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT IT.

c. Be willing to accept your own behavior on the same level of condemnation and level of sinfulness as you accuse your offender. Do not try to minimize your behavior and at the same time inflate or exaggerate your guilty spouse’s behavior. Such actions are like five children who have just emerged from a muddy puddle. All of their shirts are splattered with mud. Some are not as dirty as others and they cry out defending themselves. “Look, my shirt is cleaner than yours!” But in reality, and despite their vigorous defense, they just had on the cleanest dirty shirt!!

d. Go into your discussions/negotiations or counsel with a positive attitude; that with God’s help and His grace, you can resolve your issues and move beyond the brokeness of your relationship. Fight the urge to keep re-visiting the scenes of your marriage ship wreck! Keep in mind that continuing to re-hash those events only serves to keep you demoralized, depressed and in pain. That is just what Satan wants! Deny him that access to your mind! Tear up his lease and burn it!! If you do not make this attitude adjustment, you will never recover from the adultery in your life. On the other hand, with the right attitude, all things are possible!

8. Be willing to accept and respect the authority of the Bible as appropriate counsel for marital problems: Why? a. The marriage covenant is not only between couples but is also with God. b. God is pro-marriage and he only allowed divorce because people refused to forgive each other. c. Because we may have been hurt so badly by our experience, and we are angry, we may reject the counsel of the Bible as being too lenient with those who have committed adultery, lied, and done other things to destroy the marriage. But just keep in mind that adultery, and the breaking any of the Ten Commandments is NOT the unpardonable sin. We have to accept and extend God’s grace and mercy to those who tresspass against us as we accept it for ourselves (who are also tresspassers, even of the same kind). I know………..It is difficult to have to forgive someone who “went out on you”. FORGIVENESS IS NOT FAIR!! That is why any one of who makes it to Heaven will be there because God is just, graciious and merciful! If He were just fair, ALL of us would go to HELL!

9. Finally, both victims and offenders must commit to the task of rebuilding the marriage relationship. You must decide to work it out or stop talking, ruminating, or commiserating about your or your spouse’s acts of unfaithfulness. In the words of an anecdote of long ago, you must decide if you are going to *”Run with the Rabbits or Bark with the Hounds”!

*Many years ago when many people supplemented their diets with wild life (rabbits, squirrels, possums and other animals, they hunted with hound dogs that ran the prey down and the hunter eventually killed the animals and took them home to supplement the dinner table. However before the hunter started his hunt, he knew without the shadow of a doubt that each of his hounds would never “change their mind” and start running with the rabbits. By nature, they were committed to barking with and chasing with the other hounds! Conversely, finally, couples who choose to work it out must refrain from breaking their promises to move forward and not to look back. All of the above is offered simply to give a few helpful tips to recover from adultery. But, to do this, you must stop looking back! Do let Satan trick you into entering into his trap of relating every difficulty you have to your marriage relationship problems. You must let go of:

a. Past hurts

b. Lost opportunities

c. Failed attempts

d. Anger

e. Blaming

f. The Right to Punish

g. The desire to win

REMEMBER: LET GO OF THINGS YOU CAN ‘T CHANGE

FOCUS ON THE THINGS YOU CAN!

By: Charles E. Creech, Author of God’s Holy Men need Mending; And So do You! Rebounding from Marital Infidelity in the 21st Century. Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.

8

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HOW DO EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS GET STARTED?

This is blog #2. I want to remind our readers of the purpose of the blog: 1. To alert everyone of the potential dangers that threaten the peace, happines and well-being of individuals in marital relationships. And further to forewarn individuals preparing to marry of the pitfalls and traps that could possibly threaten their marriages in the future.

2. To make married couples be more aware of what they can do to protect their marriages.

3. To enable married couples to better understand what happened if they have suffered or caused an marital infidelity.

4. To offer a few tools and insights into to recovery from marital infidelity.

5. And finally, to assist any one who has fallen to learn more, how they can prevent the recurrence of infidelity in their marriage.

So, let’s get started on this month’s topic. Imagine a married couple who are not with their respective spouses, but are in a hotel room or some other secret place, in a “compromising position”, undressed and disheveled. They have just been discovered by the female spouse. Their moment of stolen, golden love, in the “blink of cat’s eye”, has now turned into a scene of abject terror as she appears in the doorway of their little oddessy! In shock, and anger Nanette screams, “What’s going on here?! How long has this been going on?!” She only has her sturdy Coach shoulder bag and swings it wildly at the couple. The other woman jumps out of the bed and disappears into a nearby bathroom. Her husband hurridly tries to get dressed and begins to “explain”to his wife what is happening. He says, “HONEY, THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Nanette says, “IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH OUR MAID!” I know, I know……this sounds familiar and sort of comical; but it is apparently more common than we think. It also illustrates how utterly stupid a person can be to get involved in an extra-marital affair and give a response like this and expect someone to believe it! That statement is sometimes followed up with “They didn’t mean anything to me or It didn’t mean ANYTHING TO ME!” Now that one is really stupid! If it didn’t mean anything to you; why did you risk so much and go to such great lengths to do what you did? Something is not right with that logic!! Either something “snapped in your brain” and you “lost it” or you are clearly delusional. Well, enough of that baloney! How did this affair get started anyway? How did this situation develop? Why did it persist to the point of acting out verbally, emotionally, and physically? In the next few paragraphs we will examine some of the factors that led to full blown SEX.

Before we go further though, we are reminded that women get involved with extramarital activities for slightly different “reasons” than men. Consequently, we cannot neglect them and leave them out of our secenarios as we discuss this topic. It would not be fair to them! So, here we go! Hang on!

This short anectedote is about Henry and Juneeva. Henry (not the 8th) leaves for work around 5:00 a.m. but feels weak and queasy on the job and decides to return home around 10:00 a.m. The children have gone to school and he expects to go straight to his bed and feel better by the time his wife and kids return from work and school, respectively. He opens the front door and goes straight up the stairs of the center hall of their colonial house. He opens the bedroom door and much to his surprise sees Juneeva and a man in HIS bed. She frantically tries to pull the bed sheets up quickly to to try to cover up her and her paramour. Henry is in shock and stands there speechless while Juneeva exclaims, “HENRY, IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Henry finally catches his breath and responds, “IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH THE GARDENER.” Juveena then says, YEAH, BUT YOU CAN’T SEE THE EMOTIONAL BOND WE’RE FORMING!” (SMH) This all sounds comical and it would be if the consequences of such behavior were not so severe and the damage done not so catastrophic! Remember, I mentioned that women have affairs for slightly different reasons than men. But whatever the EXCUSE, IT IS NOT FUNNY! And now that we have “leveled the playing field”, we can go on to talk about our next subject: “HOW DO EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS GET STARTED (AND PERSIST UNTIL CONSUMMATION OR TERMINATION?)

You may recall (if you read our first blog) that avoiding adultery and keeping our marriages safe and intact is all about employing “HEDGES”. No one can get involved in an extra-marital affair without breaching hedges!…….NO ONE!! Before we go into this month’s topic, let’s review what we covered in the previous blog: “WHAT ARE HEDGES? WHY YOU NEED THEM!”

1. Guarding the “avenues of your soul”.
2. Guarding the sanctity of the family circle.
3. Guarding the purity of your thought life.
4. Respecting your vulnerabilities.
5. Guarding your verbal, physical expressions and responses to the opposite sex.
6. Being honest in your verbal expressions, without innuendo or hidden agendas, or “double talk” with the opposite sex.

Today: Hedge #7: Cultivate your own grass on your side of the “Hedge Row!” In the vast majority of marital infidelities, they could have been handily avoided if the offending parties had only exercised their determination to remain true to their wedding vows. The vow itself is a hedge that you carry with you in your heart (mind) wherever you go. You stood before a cleric or magistrate and made a solemn pledge to “keep thee only to thyself. Until death do us part”. You said, “I DO!”

But “Something” happened!! Everyone’s experience is different in some aspect; but alike in most ways. We are talking about nurturing your own marital relationship. It is a common reality that the workplace is a “nursery” where the seeds for the development of most affairs are sown and grown. Why? Because a substantial amount of time is spent in the presence of individuals of the opposite sex away from the spouse. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. The problem begins when one of the “offenders” gradually becomes overly comfortable talking to and sharing sensitive, personal, or family related information with that certain co-worker. I might add here that most people actually never intended to “end up” in an affair with anyone. It is just that human nature being what it is, naturally draws people together when they begin to bond socially, emotionally, intellectually, vocationally, recreationally, culturally, politically, economically, spiritually and many other ways. These bonds are fine! The problem is when individuals of the opposite sex begin to bond sexually and emotionally. It’s quite alright if they are married; but it is a breach of boundaries if they are not married to each other and/or married to another. (for instance, a single and a married individual) Now, let’s unpack how all of this works: (You may have to use your imagination a little.)

There would never be an extra-marital affair if each partner in the marital relationship would take care of each other properly. They would both be so busy being occupied by the joys, benefits, trust, intimacy, and challenges of married life, that they both share in their relationship, that no one could possibly get in to disrupt their stable union. Some marriage counselors say that in many instances, people people get into affairs because there was “something missing in their relationship”. Although, unfaithful spouses may deny this assumption, nevertheless it is true. Research has demonstrated that it just may be difficult to discover and pinpoint it!

First, let’s take a look at What An Affair Needs To Flourish: 7 Things

1. An Objective: A person, or to satisfy a curiosity or an impulse/drive of some kind that may be mind or mood-altering.
2. A compromised mind.…e.g, a mental view of the opposite sex perhaps distorted by porno viewing. In some cases, individuals assess the risk associated with their behavior to be minimal. Or they will get away with their behavior without being caught. In other instances they may get into the affair not realizing the gravity of what they were getting into and later say “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!”
3. Opportunity: It is/was convenient. (timing, place, occasion, temperment)
4. Secrecy: It s an essential element. No One can get into an affair and say that it “just happened.” Adultery is the one activity that requires careful planning. Of course, it follows; the planning is done in secret. Whether you are sitting on the balcony of your apartment looking across the court to the roof of another apartment complex and see your prey, like David did with Bathsheba, or get into your car and drive 10 or 15 miles through the city streets or drive 100 miles on the highway through the country, you had to have had time to think about the choice you had made to violate your marriage covenant. It did not “just happen”! You planned it!………..Secretly!!
5. Deception: This involves giving false information concerning one’s whereabouts, who they were with, where, why, etc. Think about it. How many cheaters come right out and tell their spouses about their cheating?? Consider this: From the time of the violation until it is confessed to your spouse, a cheater is practicing deceit. That’s hard isn’t it? Yes, it is!
6. Lying: It is impossible to have an affair while in a married state without lying. Some people think that lying is only in what you say; but lying is also what you keep to yourself that you should confess to your spouse. As long as you withhold the truth; and your spouse does not know it, you are telling/living a lie. It is called “a sin of omission.” No matter what your reasons were or how long you did not tell your spouse, even if you told Jesus and your partner in crime and did not tell your spouse, you were/are still lying. Hard; but true! It was Sir Walter Scott, (1808) who said, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!”
7. Resources: Every affair involves the investment of resources such as logistics, time, energy, emotions, risk, intelligence (not much however) money and alibis. If you did not make an investment of any of these resouces willingly, then, you were raped and sexually abused! Otherwise, you were complicit in the affair. Now we till talk briefly about how affairs get started.

How Affairs actually start and persist until consummation or termination: 5 areas

We have said earlier that most people who get into affairs initially had no plans to do such a horrible thing. In all likelihood they were “looking for” something else. The interesting thing is they might can tell you what they were looking for or they might not be able to verbalize it. Research, observation and anectdotal evidence reveals that at least 7 steps are experienced in nearly all affairs. The Infidelity Recovery Institute has identified 7 types of affairs. We will not address all of them in this blog. You can consult their website perhaps, to discover your type. But for now we want to get into our subject for this month. Our blog is about the planting and deployment of “Hedges” aka boundaries.

1. The beginning of an affair usually starts rather innocently. Neither individual (male or female) may not even grasp “what just happened” to start a fire going! (1) He or she may have given a flattering compliment to the other. The receiver will more than likly respond in kind. This kind of banter may be alright as long as no boundaries are crossed. But human nature, being what it is, is always looking for more fun, more stimulation, more good feeling, more excitement, etc. The caution is to keep it clean, honest and innocent. (2) Do not get too personal or friendly. (3) Discussion of family business: This is always a “No, No!” because what happens often is that when one of the parties experience a crisis either at home or on the job, they may perceive that that have a “shoulder to cry on”. Commiserate at home, with your spouse!! (4) Beware………. because not all of the communication is just with the voice. Physical gestures (body language), tone of voice, inflection of the voice, etc. all send messages picked up consciously or sublimably. YOU, the receiver, are responsible to filter out the potentially harmful communication by utilizing your hedges. Do not be timid or hesitant about deploying your hedges! Many times, when you sense that the verbal and visual interaction is going where you should not go; or allow someone else to go; redirect or stop them. If you don’t, and the verbal encounter evolves into a boundary breach, you will only have yourself to blame!
2. The clarification of the relationship you wish to foster with a person with whom you work with or otherwise interact with needs to be well understood to properly employ effective hedges. What do I mean about “clarification of relationship”? There are many types of relationships to understand and consider when interacting with other people whether male or female. (5) Clarify your relationship. In today’s world, too many couples get into sexual relationships way too soon. They “take a bite” of the proverbial apple too fast. There are many fundamental issues that are essential to be addressed before a couple engages in sex; because once that door is opened, a new dynamic is addeded to the relationship that changes everything. And since the sexes are opposite, it is absolutely essential to understand the relationship you are in, the relationship you want and the relationship you are developing (whether it is knowingly or unconciously). As the slang goes…….. “Don’t get it twisted!” Let’s briefly review several types of relationships. First, what is a “Relationship”? There are many. Too many to discuss in this blog! But we will talk about five major relationships.

a. Platonic: a relationship between friends and while these relationships can be loving, they are not physically intimate. An example: A type of friendship shared by a man and a woman who are married to other people….They are good friends, but their relationship is strictly platonic. It is noteworthy that the platonic relationships one develops and maintains can actually help individuals in achieving emotional maturity which is crucial to having a successful romantic relationship. As a careful observer, it appears that when adolescents to young adult males and females interact on the Platonic level as they mature physcially, mentally, and sexually; they learn things about themselves. They learn the differences between different kinds of love. They learn to identify, sort out their emotions and develop healthy boundaries. The platonic relationship can be loving; but once it involves physical intimacy, (touching, kissing, hugging, and sex), it has then become a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship

The question one needs to ask themselves is: “If I allow my Platonic feelings to become my romantic feelings, what does it mean for my future?” “Am I prepared for how my decision will change the dynamics and trajectory of my life or my spouse’s life?” Or try this one: “Will my choice change my relationship with God?“

b. Business/Professional/Colleagues: These types of interactions are ongoing between two or more people that observe a set of established boundaries or limits that is deemed appropriate under governing ethical standards. There are rules. You observe them or get out!

c. Friendly: This is the most common relationship known to humans. It is the state of being friends involving mutual dealings with others. Incentives may be: race, culture, vocation, interests, concerns, etc.

d. Family: This relationship is a major one that we all know about. (Father+ Mother+ Children+ Grandchildren+ and all in-between. We had nothing to do get into this relationship; but we have a lot to do to maintain this relationship and benefit from it!!

e. Romantic: Definition: a romantic relationship is a voluntary relationship between individuals who have intentions that each person will be a significant part of their ongoing lives. They can start by becoming emotionally involved and revealing personal information. Other times they can be ignited by one partner asking to start a relationship. Other times signals are sent by hinting and in general talking about romance. The foregoing is fine and appropriate for single individuals. But for married or engaged couples; activity in these areas just listed is threatening to the respective committed relationships they have previously established.

All that we have said in this blog has been about Hedge #7, that is “Cultivate the grass on your side of the hedge!” Before closing this blog issue, I want to end on Seven positive notes:

1. God invented sex pure and holy; but we let it get out of control.
2. Divorce for any other reason than adultery is unlawful: Mt. 19:9
3. God hates divorce: Mal. 2:16
4. Adultery is committed in two ways: Thought/fantasies and Action/involving someone else. If and when you keep God’s 7th Commandment in mind and in heart you will be safe!
5. You can avoid adultery by: a. “Making a covenant with your eyes” to keep them from roving on all of the wrong objects (people, that is) : In Job 31:1, Job said, “I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?” Proverbs 4:25 encourges us to: “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. vs. 26 Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. vs. 27 Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil”. In Proverbs 5:15 Solomon says, “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well”. In other words: “Stick to your own Boo!”
6. If you have fallen into Adverse Sexual Behavior ASB (my terminology), remember that God hates sin but HE LOVES SINNERS! Take into consideration that the first person Jesus saw when he came out of the tomb was Mary Magdalene, a former prostitute!
7. Remember: Adultery is not the unpardonable sin (although we sinners refuse to forgive our spouses for it!) THE ONLY SIN THAT IS UNPARDONABLE IS THE ONE THAT WE DO NOT ASK GOD TO FORGIVE US FOR! If you have asked God to forgive you, your spouse to forgive you, and as far as possible asked your “partner in crime” to forgive you for getting them involved or going along with them, you cannot do anymore…..leave it there and move on in peace. Do not keep asking God a thousand times to forgive you for the same sin especially if you have quit the sin! To do so demonstrates that we doubt His ability to forgive! Satan thru human detractors and in other ways will attack you, but you must believe that “He that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6. 44 (KJV)

Charles E. Creech, Author: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! Rebounding from Marital Infidelity in the 21st Century