The caption on the image above states a very insightful fact! In this blog we will talk about forgiveness and how giving it to someone is so beneficial to both the offender and the victim; especially in the marital relationship. Please note that the principles presented in this blog are useful in dealing with any relationship issue such as family incidents and dysfunction, work related conflicts, “church hurt” issues, etc, and even crimes committed against someone or groups of peoples. In other words, not just for married individuals or victims/perpetrators of infidelity.
What’s the “Big Deal” about forgiveness?
In many instances, we are reluctant to forgive because the hurt, pain and losses that have been inflicted are so great, so devastating, and so deep. For those of you who are familiar with the Gospels, Jesus told his hearers this: ” He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” (St. Matthew 19:18) In other words, because people were so unwilling to forgive their spouses for offending them….they just divorced them! We still have the same problems with forgiveness today! This blog will talk about it today, exposing many misconceptions about the subject.
Forgiveness, What is it, anyway? It is a big deal when people simply refuse to forgive individuals, organizations, cultural groups of people and various ethnicities because of treatment that they have received from them.
Forgiveness is giving up your right to punish or hurt someone who has hurt you, to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, and to cancel a debt. It is important to remember that forgiveness is not given because it deserves to be given. Whether the perpetrator deserves forgiveness or not; is not the determining criteria, as to whether to extend forgiveness. Thank God, it is founded on more concrete principles than that!
Many people have varied, personal concepts of what forgiveness is or what it should be. Also forgiving is both an acquired behavior as welI as a divinely inspired behavior. Both aspects will determine how we view and practice forgiveness. Let’s take a quick look at both of them.
Acquired Forgiveness Behavior: Some of you may remember (if you were reared (raised) with your siblings, that when you did something to hurt your brother or sister, you were told to “Say I’m Sorry!” And you did. You grew up with a knowledge that when you wronged someone you had the responsibility to make it right. It also meant that you had to accept the other sibling’s apology……in other words; forgive them. If you really learned the object of this teaching, you learned to forgive and be forgiven. Of course, when you became an adult, you just continued to use those character traits you learned as a child.
Divinely Inspired Forgiveness Behavior: On the other hand, forgiveness in the life of a genuine Christian has much more depth. Forgiveness becomes so much a part of your spiritual experience that you cannot function without utilizing it often. For instance: Jesus emphasized in His prayer, that we should forgive others of their trespasses against us, then He would forgive us our trespasses. (Matt. 6:12) “And forgive us our debts,as we forgive our debtors.” You cannot do this without divine help!
I will go ahead and predict that some people reading this blog will reject the descriptions of forgiveness offered in the next few paragraphs. We will touch on several commonly held concepts of forgiveness. As you read, you can see and maybe understand those that apply to your situation.
“Concealed Carry” Forgiveness: This kind of forgiveness is given in such a manner that the offender does not feel forgiven nor does the victim really mean it. They have said it with their mouth but their heart is not in it. They feel better to be known as one who forgives “hard”. They might even think that forgiving one is being weak or too soft. This is not genuine forgiveness.
“Open Carry” Forgiveness: This is the person who displays their forgiving spirit like a badge or a Glock 9mm in their holster. It is kept “at the ready”, to draw and fire, or they brag about their abiliy to forgive. Here again, their forgiveness is not genuine. Cross them again and you will find out how forgiving they are! They are even apt to keep record of how many times they forgive you. This is not forgiveness that meets God’s standard.
“Partial Forgiveness or Conditional Forgiveness: High on the list of this “forgiver” is that it you don’t confess your tresspass to them before it comes to their attention and ask for it before you are prompted to do so that the forgiveness is not deserved. Therefore since you really did not apologize or ask for forgiveness the forgiveness is not valid. This is not genuine forgiveness. I can only point to two individuals and how they handled situations like that. Those two people were Jesus and Stephen. Jesus on the cross: Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” And Stephen while being stoned to death, said, “Father, forgive them; they do not know what they are doing”. There is a principle here. That is, we must extend forgiveness even if it is not asked for and certainly if it is solicited!
I was thinking about the problematic forgiveness that is “only valid if you ask for it”. I thought about Peter who betrayed Christ. the incident is related to in the Gospels; but only Mark records how Jesus dealt with Peter’s failure. Mark is the only Gospel writer who brings out the point that when Jesus arose from the grave on the first day of the week, (Sunday) the angel said to the women who had come to the tomb, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is risen! See the place where they laid Him. But go, tell his disciples-and Peter-that He is going before you into Galileee; there you will se Him, as He said to you.” The lesson here is: Jesus sent Peter grace BEFORE Peter had an opportunity to ask for it. “As *James Edwards points out, “if the word of grace from the resurrected Lord includes a traitor like Peter, readers of the gospel may rest assured that it includes those of their community who have also failed”. And that goes for clergy and all sinners also! We must never forget who Peter was and what he did. YET JESUS FORGAVE HIM! ( *James R. Edwards (born 1945) is an American New Testament scholar. … His primary research interests include Biblical studies and the history of the early church.)
Graded Forgiveness: Many people have a tendency to minimize or justify their bad behavior by comparing it to someones else’s behavior. They make statements like: “Well, I didn’t do what you did! Plus the fact, I did this and that and you didn’t! When I hear statements like that, I think of a statement made by Dr. Gerald Horne in his insightful book, “The Counter Revolution of 1776″ when he exposes the hypocrisy of the English, French and Spanish when they tried to minimize their involvement in the slave trade in the 18th Century. They were all trying to look good in the public’s eye. He makes it clear that he understood what they had done. He said they could only boast, “I have on the cleanest dirty shirt!” This falls short of genuine forgiveness! Therefore, we conclude there must be no grading of sin nor measuring our forgiveness! This is no forgiveness at all.
Revocable Trust Forgiveness: This is the type of forgiveness that is agreed to but is taken back after a time or some event. In fact, they will tell you, “I’m taking back my forgiveness! You dont deserve it!” This kind of forgiveness is really phony.
“Limited Warranty Forgiveness”: (With an expiration date) This is a kind of forgiveness that is offered for a limited time. (until you cross them again. Then it’s over. ) It is also what I term “compartmentalized forgiveness”. In this case, one would say, “I forgive you for what you did; but not for the way you handled it!” How hypocritical! This kind of forgiveness does not “make the cut”! Even, Jesus said that when one commandment is broken, the sinner is guilty of breaking them all. The bottom line is, sin is wholistic. Sort of like trying to split an atom with an axe. Luke 17: 3-4 Says 3 “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
“Bonded or Collateralized” Forgiveness: This is the type of forgiveness that is extended as long as the “forgiver” is compensated by the suppliant’s good behavior. It is usually employed with a threat that it will be taken back if some rule or behavior is broken or executed. The offender is kept in a state of nervous flux in fear of their security being taken or losing something valuable to them; or worse being exposed in some way. It is somewhat like being “blackmailed”! This is not forgiveness that God recognizes.
“Unconditional Forgiveness”, Genuine: Last but not least, is genuine forgiveness. “Now you’re talking!! It is giving up your right to punish someone who has wronged you. It is not taking it back. It is throwing the sin against you into the depths of the *Marianas Trench, (The deepest sea on earth, 7+ miles deep). It is restoring the offender to a position of acceptance again. You will need to keep in mind that you are also a sinner and offender. God has forgiven you (if you asked Him) and you must forgive others.
The strong temptation is to make the infidel pay……”pay me back for my pain, pay me back for my lost memories, pay for my lost time, pay me for my lost status, pay me for lost trust, pay me for destroyed intimacy, pay me for my lost opportunities, pay me for my lost self-esteem, and most importantly, pay me for all the time that you deceived me; pay me for ruining my life, you unfaithful louse (spouse)!! PAY ME!! We want the errant spouse to hurt like we hurt. The awful truth is, the unfaithful spouse or perpetrator, can never repay you for what they have robbed, ruined and destroyed! But there is Someone who can!! Have you ever heard of propitiation?
Propitiation……What is it? Propitiation carries the basic idea of appeasement or satisfaction, specifically toward God. Propitiation is a two-part act that involves appeasing the wrath of an offended person and being reconciled to him/her. Only Jesus Christ can offer propitiation for our sins. No human being can offer payment for sins; not even their own sins. While we know that God forgives sins. We also understand that it is not that simple. The Bible informs us that “the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life.” Therefore, sins are paid for…….by the blood of Jesus!….not just forgiven!
Why the unfaithful spouse cannot pay: No one can pay for the sins they have committed. ….no one! There is hope however. There is hope for the wounded spouse to be “paid”. There is a term in the Bible called propitiation. Romans 3:23-25 says “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; 3:24, Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. 3:25 , Whom God hath set forth [to be] a propitiation (payment) through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God”
The unfaithful partner must show evidence of sincere effort to change his/her ways. However, this activity must never be perceived as payment. Authors Chapman and Thomas put it this way: You must release the person to God. “So the person who is feeling hurt and angry toward another who has treated him/her unfairly is to release that person to an all-knowing heavenly Father who is fully capable of doing what is just and right toward that person.”
It is imperative to always forgive; for we are reminded in the Lord’s Prayer that our trespasses will be forgiven as we forgive the trespasses of others who have trespassed against us. When forgiveness has been requested and been given by the injured party, it is disingenuous behavior for them to interact with the infidel as though they are still holding their behavior over their head. It may be very difficult; but they must exercise every ounce of strength to resist this temptation. We will address this later.
Forgiveness is not fair. Think of it! Adam and Eve sinned. Adam sinned knowingly. They both put another one before God, they coveted, they stole and lied. God had every right to kill them. Instead, He forgave them (gave up His rights) and presented them with His plan (Genesis 3:15) to completely eradicate the tragic results of their transgression. Even though we are not God, and can never be; He has set the example for us to follow. We must forgive. Forgiveness is a conscious choice that we must decide to make or decide not to make. That is His way.
Where does forgiveness begin? A good question, isn’t it? One could determine that forgiveness should begin with the offender. Others may insist that forgiveness should be sought from the offended. Let us consider carefully that the process of forgiveness is a delicate process. If an unfaithful spouse has gone through the process of confession, and repentance; the next step should be an APOLOGY. There can be no serious bid for forgiveness without accepting responsibility for the sinful behavior and offering a heart-felt apology for the same.
The offended party needs to hear and feel the sincerity of such an apology. One could argue that the apology should be made to oneself first and then to the offended parties; however the process to recovery could be rendered weaker or less effective as the offender may think that they are “alright”; because they have reconciled the conflict/affair in their own minds.
4 Important Risks of Refusing To Forgive
If you are not a Christian, forgiveness may not make any sense to you. But if you are a genuine Christian, you will recognize that there are real dangers to be avoided or experienced by individuals who refuse to forgive. I will list only four:
A. Spiritual: As a Christian, You risk losing your salvation because you refuse to forgive. Refusing to forgive your offender makes you a very miserable hypocrite! Jesus in His prayer recorded in St. Luke 11: 2-4, said, “Pray then like this: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”.
B. Psychological: The person who refuses to forgive another, spends too much cognitive enegery nursing their wounds. They destroy their own productivity by dwelling on negativity. It is a known fact that people who are most plesant and positive are individuals who do not hold grudges. It is a known fact that people who forgive are much happier and healthier. It takes a lot of mental energy to maintain a grudge. You will be so much more pleasant and positive if you don’t use your cognitive resources in staying angry and negative.
C. Social: The social results of holding grudges and refusing to forgive causes an individual to be unpleasant to be around. They are many times very negative and evil-surmising. People do not want to be around you because “you stink!” (Not aromatically, of course) But it is not plesant to have such individuals like you in their presence.
D. Physical: Individuals who forgive are much helathier and live longer than people who maintain grudges forever. For instance: Their blood pressure is better, their digestion is better, their energy level is higher, they have stronger immune systems, just to list a few benefits. Solomon, the wise man once said, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones”. Proverbs 17:22 KJV
As we stated earlier, being a Christian should make the process of forgiving less of a challenge. However, it is not guaranteed. It takes a lot of energy or resources from your brain chemistry to think or perrform all of the movements and processes in our bodies. We need to use that energy in positive ways and on positive thoughts! It is much easier for “brain health” to think positive thoughts, and have pleasant scenes going thru our imaginations. So we conclude that forgiveness even from a humanistic vantage point; it is still intrinsically better to forgive those who have wronged us!
“How To Forgive”.
Finally, I would be remiss in my duty to my readers if I did not address this final issue: How Do I Forgive? #1. The first thing you need to understand is that not forgiving is like trying to put water into a bottle but not letting the air out. It is very difficult; if not downright impossible! You should choose to forgive; but you don’t have to. You have an obligation from God to forgive; but you don’t have to. You have a choice. You can forgive or you can wallow in the mud of vitrolic hate and anger for the rest of your life! But, just remember, that God will not forgive you if you do not forgive those who have wronged you.
The gospel writer, Matthew, says in Matthew 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there. rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; and 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first. This is a good place to start. Don’t even go to church and offer God any praise, or money if you are carrying a grudge for someone and won’t let it go! You are wasting your time and being a hypocrite too. So, choose to forgive! #2. In all of the above presentation, my appeal to you is: if you want real closure to any devastating event in your life, or if someone has done you terribly wrong; your healing begins with genuine, divine, unconditional FORGIVENESS! The sooner you do it; the sooner and better you will feel!
Charles E. Creech, Author, God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!! Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.