We are always hearing of some spiritual leader getting into an adulterous situation and losing his/her congregation and ministry after many years of building it up. We shake our heads and suck our teeth, “Tsk, Tsk, Tsk! What happend to them?! What were they thinking?” Someone speaks up and says, “What they needed was an accountability partner!” “A what?! What’s an acccountability partner ?” You, too, may be asking the same question. But, if you have to ask, you probably do need one! But for starters, we will explain who an accountability partner is and what they are designated to do. I just remembered an account of a very popular pastor of a large church who announced to his congregation early after coming to the church, that “I will make house calls and visitations; but I will always have someone with me. Why? Because it is not that I don’t trust you; it is because I do not trust myself!” What a powerful, telling, admission! Today, after many years of Christian service, he enjoys a highly successful ministry, a strong marriage, respectful children, dynamic upward mobility and the respect and admiration of thousands as a genuine spiritual leader. It is very likely that he had/has an accountability partner!
Ponder this text from the Bible written by one considered to be the wisest man who ever lived… Solomon, who wrote, ” My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding; that thou mayest regard discretion and that thy lips may keep knowledge” Proverbs 5: v. 1 and 2. This sounds like he was somebody’s accountability partner!
.In this blog we will give some guidelines to aid one in choosing an accountability partner and why if you are a spouse, a person who works with people outside of your home, a person whom you closely work with who are of the opposite sex, a spiritual leader, a person who works with children or juveniles, or political leader; you, in all probability, should have an accountability partner; hereinafter designated as “AP”.
Someone is going to say, “I don’t need anybody looking over my shoulder, telling me what to do, or watching me, or that I have to report to!” True! But, seeing that we are all humans and have passions, behaviours and weaknessess that are subtle and persistent to the point that we do not recognize the dangers that we are exposed to until it is too late…..and we do or say something that we should not have said or done, we need someone or something to help us monitor our behavior. That someone is an acccountability partner! I know so many individuals, including myself that could have been spared many problems in their lives…..if only they had and utilized an accountability partner!!
WHO IS AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER? (AP)
An accountability partner is a trusted companion who helps you make progress toward or maintain a commitment you have made. They also will assist you with insight or observations that can help you keep your marital commitment. So how do you find that right person? Generally, you should select a partner who is the same gender as you (unless it’s your spouse). There are reasons for and against your spouse being your AP. Primarily, the issue here is not secrecy; but a “safe” and comfortable environment to look objectively at possible choices you might make, and to consider if those choices will be good or bad. And not only that; but to clearly expose the long-range effects of such choices.
WHAT IS THE ROLE OF AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER?
An AP is like a partnership where you mutually agree to coach each other and provide feedback on a regular basis. With an accountability partner, you each agree to talk daily or weekly through feedback sessions where you share wins and talk about your current challenges. A true AP is on call 24/7. “When in doubt, give a shout!”………. to your AP.
WHAT ARE THE QUALIFICATIONS OF AN AP?
Look for someone who invites a two-way relationship. They do not have to be so “superior” to you as to make you feel “less than”. Nor should they be anyone whom you do not respect. The most important requirement is that they should be faithful in maintaining their own committment to their spouse. This prerequisite is fundamental and essential if one would be an accountability partner. The person you choose should not be judgmental and harsh but have a spirit of humility and empathy. At the same time that person must be honest with you; but not pontifical.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF ENGAGING AN AP?
When I was an substance use addiction counselor, we always told individuals who were aiming to avoid relapse: “to play the entire video through…..play the tape to the end!” If a person has an affinity for engaging in some forbidden or dangerous behavior, this is good advice. However, it is much better for one to discuss their leaning toward that enticing, dangerous behavior before they actually get so mentally and emotionally involved that they cannot stop their slide down the slippery slope of actually committing to that activity. As many people know quite well, once you yield to a temptation, it is possible to not go to full execution; but it is highly unlikely in most cases. So, how can an AP help?
Talking to your AP is somewhat like making a “pre-confession”. The difference is that you are in a safe, judgment-free environment. You can “open up” without “going to Hell!” The positive outcome you are looking for is an objective viewpoint to enable you to project yourself into the future of the decision you could or might make and what the implications of that decision or decisions could dictate without doing it. Following is a sample of how a conversation with your AP could go: “Hey Jill, I need to talk with you about something. I am having some issues. I want to talk with you about them. This is what is going through my mind. “So and So” at my job is giving me a lot of attention lately. They stop by my cubicle every day and talk to me. I kind’a like them because they are so nice and good looking too! Well, you know I am married, but sometime I feel like I am getting more attention from them than I get at home. I’m feeling some kinda way about this person. What do you think I oughta do?” If the conversation goes well and you listen, be honest with yourself and accept good advice……I said GOOD ADVICE!, you may save yourself and others a lot of heart break.
Accountability Partners may not always tell you what you want to hear, because you may be “hell bent” on what you want to do. But you had better listen and turn from your intended bad behavior. If you have the right accountability partner, you will be assited in making the right move. This is another reason that you should carefully choose an accountability partner! You don’t want to make the wrong choice because of the someone who is advising you, is not telling you the right thing!
WHEN SHOULD YOU “DROP” AN AP?
In the first place, if you have issues with infidelity; you cannot under any circumstances engage another adulteror as an accountability partner! From my experience as a substance abuse counselor, I made sure that none of my clients had sponsors that were still “using”. They HAD to be “clean”! This is when the two-way relationship kicks in. You actually help each other. Your partner should always express vulnerability as a real concern. Yet, they will also remind you and themselves of the commitment to remain firm in resisting the temptation to either “experiment” or yield to relapse. This is important! If your AP relapses, FIRE HIM/HER RIGHT AWAY AND WITHOUT APOLOGY! And get away from them fast!!
YELLOW FLAGS THAT INDICATE YOU NEED AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER (7 AREAS)
As we said earlier, even though you may have an excellent relationship with your spouse, you may and should have someone of your own sex to “run things by” to check your perceptions of where you are on various issues. However, now I am going to present to you 7 areas that you need to pay close attention to in order to stay out of situations that could potentially affect your marital relation harmfully. They are flashing yellow and red lights!
Spirituality, Boundaries, Commitment,
Emotional Attachment, Intimacy, and Trust.
A. Spirituality:
- You may daydream and fantasize more about someone
other than your spouse - You have no worthy accountability partners
- You feel that you “deserve more” at your age…whatever
that is (mid-life crisis?) - You feel that you are entitled because you have power
- You become lax in your spiritual leadership in your home
- You neglect cultivating and maintaining your relationship
with God
B. Boundaries: - You relish taking risks
- You are impulsive and act before thinking things thru
- You make up reasons or excuses to interact illicitly with the
opposite sex - You like to flirt; but you don’t flirt with your spouse
- You are overly confident that you can be exposed to the
opposite sex without compromise at all times and
situations - You have “roving eyes” on the opposite sex quite often
- You are a “people pleaser”
- You put yourself at risk by ignoring boundaries
- You discuss your ‘family business’ with members of the
opposite sex
C. Commitment to Your Marriage Vows - You are increasingly unappreciative
- You feel you need more privacy than normal…taking and
making all phone calls in private, etc. - You delete the text history on your cellular phone
- You set up multiple e-mail or social media accounts
- You avoid family or other social events
- You suddenly spend a lot of time with someone else
- Your choice of body fragrances may change suddenly
- You dress differently (to impress)
- You are gone longer on errands or out of the house
- You may spend more time at work or away from home D. Communication Problems
- You unusually pick fights with your spouse
- You may become overly critical, distant or non-communi-
cative - You are avoiding intimate conversation in order to avoid
confrontations with your spouse (stonewalling) - You may do more talking to your spouse than usual about
“stuff” that is not important - You are bored with job, kids, marriage and life generally
- You are feeling confused in your thinking
- You are experiencing professional burnout
- You secretly resent your spouse for something they have
done or said; but you find it difficult to express your feelings
to them
E. Emotional Attachment - You are spending less time with your spouse
- You are being less affectionate
- You show no concern or jealousy about your spouse
- You do not touch your spouse as much as before
- Your actual behavior has changed in some ways
- You are approaching a middle age milestone
F. Intimacy - There is a change in the quality of your emotional intimacy
within your relationship - You want more me time and less we time
- You are feeling neglected in your relationship
- You are greedy for attention…as in compliments
- When you suspect a threat to your marriage, you ignore it
instead of discussing it with your spouse or counselor - You no longer affirm your love for your spouse
- You are in your spouse’s presence; but not present
- Your attitude and demeanor has changed (negative), you
may be angry about something and holding it in - You are not as interested in your mate sexually
G. Trust - Your temperament changes due to “guilty thinking” and
Confusion - You are unnecessarily defensive at mention of infidelity or
affairs - You may run when no one is chasing you (paranoia)
- You become extra secretive in your behavior
- You may start lying to your spouse about little things
- You do not share your true feeling with your spouse
- You think your spouse is always trying to outperform you,
outsmart you or embarrass you?
There are 55 signs mentioned in this self-examination list. They are in very important areas of married life.If you can identify with 1-5 of these identifiers you need towork on yourself and your relationship.
If you can identify with 10, you have a real problem.
If you can identify with 15, you and your spouse should be in
counseling! This list is not exhaustive; but it covers a considerable amount
of ground. If you take the statements seriously and are honest
with yourself, you can benefit tremendously. The warning signs
are clear. ARE YOU AT RISK? ….IF SO, DO SOMETHING ABOUT
IT!! Acts 17:30 says, “And the times of this ignorance God
winked at; but now commandeth all men everywhere to
repent.”Now you Know! GET YOURSELF AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER!! You will be glad you did!
Charles E. Creech, Author: “God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.