If this looks like a bullet-proof vest, YOU ARE CORRECT! It is designed to protect the wearer’s most vital body parts….mainly the heart, lungs, stomach, spleen, and everything else on your torso. But that is not what this blog is about. Yes, it is about your heart; but not your blood pump! In order to be direct, we need to examine some didactic material from the Bible. At the same time I acknowledge that some readers of this blog may not even believe the Bible. So, I ask that you continue your reading and form your opinions later, Okay?
I perceive that in today’s cultural and moral atmosphere, that for many of us, the title: “How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage” comes “too little and too late!” And that is taking into consideration if the matter is important at all to many of us. The title of this blog assumes that it is possible to make your marriage affair-proof if you can know how. If you are divorced, estranged from your spouse or your marriage is in trouble, you will find much to think about and most likely relate to as well. While there are literally millions of “How to” books, articles and blogs; my blog, hopefully, will be different in its scope, intensity and originality since I have not plagarized from others. It has grown out of a combination of observation, experience, counsel and research. Is this blog peerless? Most likely, not. Nevertheless let’s go!
We will begin with talking about the Heart. In the Bible the heart is considered the seat of life or strength. Hence, it means mind, soul, spirit, or one’s entire emotional nature and understanding. The heart is the locus of physical and spiritual being, and represents the “central wisdom of feeling as opposed to the head-wisdom of reason” (Cooper, 82). It is compassion and understanding, life-giving and complex. It is a symbol for love. Often known as the seat of emotions, the heart is synonymous with affection. Affair-Proofing your marriage is about the heart! Adultery is the result of a successful attack by evil and sinister forces (Satan) in the battle for the heart of married individuals to destroy marriages!
We do know a few things about the heart: The Old Testament prophet, Jeremiah, says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:9-10 ESV. The New Testament writer, Mark says: “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7: 21-23
I have divided this blog into five (5) areas to concentrate on things we can do to “Affair-Proof” a marriage relationship.
1. Prepare for Marriage:
It is unfortunate that the foundation for a strong marriage or a marriage fraught by infidelity has its roots in two important areas: Your background and your spouse’s background. Following is a list of things you need to know:
a. Dating History: How did they relate to persons they dated before you came into the picture? Did they cheat on them? Did they respect them?
b. Marriage Model: How did they see marriage modeled in their home?
c. What Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) did they experience that has shaped their philosophy of life, especially as it affects relationships?
d. Both individuals should, if possible, know as much as possible about their family’s histories.
e. By all means, a dating couple should take time to be in various settings with each other to study and determine: How they work together, how they communicate with each other, how they handle stress, how they disagree with each other, how they solve problems, how they spend money, how they respond to the opposite sex, how they relate to their parents’ authority or lack of…….in short, the list is very long of all the areas that should be observed during courtship. Unfortunately, many couples get into a sexual relationship much too soon! Too soon is…… building a sexual bond before they learn the basics of communication, intimacy (not sex), honesty, self-control, trust, spirituality, responsibility, confidentiality, respect, appropriate self-esteem, and many other intrinsic values to maintain a strong marital relationship. Building a sexual bond before the aforementioned steps have been taken, will, most likely bring problems “down the road” for any couple. It can be characterized like releasing a butterfly out of its cocoon before it is time for it to come out! If you cut it out before it matures to that point, it will be under-developed, weakened, deformed and will most likely die! AND THAT IS WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS TO MANY MARRIAGES!
f. Affair Proofing your marriage also begins with having a liberal education about how to relate to the opposite sex in platonic relationships. In other words: Preparing for marriage has a lot to do with knowing about yourself and who you are. This is vital! Why? Because it is very important to express love and to receive love. But it is also important to get as much experience as possible in developing and maintaining Platonic relationships.
Research has revealed that individuals who master Platonic relationships well, do much, much better at maintaining and understanding Romantic relationships. The key factors are: 1. They both require love and commitment to be maintained. 2. But there are boundaries that exist that enable one to differentiate between Love and Lust! Consequently, some individuals who have never mastered many Platonic relationships and learned themselves (in other words, who they are) and how other people relate to them or others, can “end up” either being a Narcissicist, treating females or males as sex objects, or being a very “needy” person; “Looking for love in all the wrong places!” In any case, this is a very important building block in preparing one for a marriage that has a good chance of being “AFFAIR PROOF!” I know………that was a mouthful. If neccessary, take time and read it again!
g. Marry for the right reason(s): Too often dating couples get married for all the wrong reasons: such as an unplanned pregnancy, prestige or personal gain of some kind, desperation to have “legal sex”, money, security, citizenship, convenience, pressure from one of the partners, etc. The problem with this is that after a time, if the real reason for the marriage did not exist, the foundation for an affair has just been laid.
Another thing to be considered before getting married is to learn to focus on what you want out of a marriage relationship, rather than WHAT YOU DON’T WANT IN YOUR MARRIAGE. No one ever built a structure, machine, or created a painting or work of art by concentrating on “I don’t want this or I don’t want that!” It simply will not be in the building plans or in the preliminary sketches! Consequently, I believe this means that there may be some things that you may have to learn or unlearn about how to properly resolve areas of disagreement. For instance, will you negotiate, bargain, or will you bully, control, dominate or force your will on your partner? Will you also use violence or intimidation that you may have seen in you home to get what you want in your relationship? The foregoing may seem trite to you; but our characters are more imprinted by our families of origin than we care to admit! If you haven’t taken this into consideration and you are planning to marry or if you are married, take a good look at this item.
h. Be complete before you get married: Many individuals get married (they think) to feel complete within themselves. However that is not the most reliable reason one should get married. You should be able to “stand on your own two feet” before you get married. If that is your sole reason for getting married, you are going to be a “drag” on the person who hooks up with you. You might even be clingy and so dependent that you can add nothing to the relationship; but you are taking everything out! Marriage exists to make you a happier person; not to depend on your spouse to make you happy. If that is soley what you are looking for, not only is it selfish; but you are laying the foundation for narcissism and discontent which could very well lead to getting what you think you want from someone other than your spouse.
A spiritual leader of a number of pastors and other workers, once said that, “Adultery is often caused by a person’s emotional needs not being met.” However, I am still wrestling with that explanation because I believe that once married, there is no reason for committing adultery! We will address this issue later in another blog. But for the present, I am convinced that, If your emotional needs are not being met and you have honestly tried to get them met with your spouse, you should discuss the issue with him/her and leave the relationship if you cannot not resolve the issues. But under no circumstances are you to try to get your emotional needs met with someone who is not your spouse! To think or to do otherwise, you just might be setting yourself up for an extra-marital affair!
i. Learn your intended’s Love Language. When you are dating, it is very important to discover and practice your intended spouse’s Love Language. (Gary Chapman) If you get married, and you have no knowledge of your special friend’s love language, or your own, you may be laying the groundwork for an extramarital affair; because there is always somebody around who is interested in “speaking your love language” and exploiting your vulnerability! Now, having covered just a few of the areas of Preparation for Marriage, we are now ready to explore the next area of Affair-Proofing Your Marriage: “Priortizing Your Marriage.”
2. Priortize your marriage:
Just, what do we mean by that? Some of us have witnessed married men and women who have “looked good” as a couple. Over the years we have observed and admired them as models of marriage……only to learn by talking with their grown children we discover that, yes, their parents were great workers and producers, etc; but their marital relationship was always “on the back burner”! Maybe even the “Pits!” Apparently, they had time for everything but their spouses. (and families)
In many cases, their priorities for their marital relationship was “unbalanced”. A typical hiearchy may have looked like this:
- 1.God, 2. Me, 3. Myself and 4. I, (Me, Myself and I), 5. Work or church, 6. Children, and 7. Spouse. Obviously, this is a flawed priority list that is sure to produce a harvest of marital turbulence.
- On the other hand, this would work better: 1. God, 2. Me, Myself and I, 3. Spouse, 4. Children and extended family, 6. Work/church and 7. Mission to the world-at-large.
3. Perfect Your Marriage:
Perfecting marriage is somewhat like getting baptized or receiving justification from Jesus’ sacrifice for your sins. Both of those elements of salvation only get you started on your Christian journey. After those two events are experienced, the work of Christian perfection begins. That is called Sanctification. So it is with the marital relatioship. After the wedding, the real work of development begins. But how is that transition made? In the following statments, we will touch on just a few important areas.
I believe a marriage is perfected by doing at least these three things: a. Enjoying your marriage, b. Studying your marriage and c. Submitting your marriage to God’s leading. We will expand on these now:
When we enjoy a marriage we want to spend quality time together, play together, work together and communicate constructively together. This area is so very important. When encouraging, kind and appropriate words are used by marriage partners in every setting they have the potential of strengthening their bonds to the extent that imposters cannot get a “toe hold” in your mate’s psyche. Speak to them like you did in your early days of courtship. Worshipping together is a very strong component in a marriage. You cannot have a true worship experience and be at odds with each other. If you can accomplish it genuinely, it will produce Atonement every day for you and your spouse. That is why Satan works so hard to create diversions and distractions each day to thwart your family worship plans. He knows that when you submit yourselves to God each day that he cannot have you to “play with” on that day!
Working together on projects also helps make the bond stronger as well as providing pleasant feelings with the joy of accomplishing a task or completing a project. Finally, to enjoy your marriage, you need to study and learn more about each other and how to relate to each other and grow in commitment and satisfaction in meeting each other’s emotional needs. Attend some seminars and marriage retreats. They may reveal to you some fresh strategies as well as provide some “down time” to improve your level of intimacy away from the “rat race” of the daily struggles of life.
4. Protect Your Marriage:
I have listed seven (7) area that are important to Affair-Proofing your marriage: They are:
a. Learn about boundaries and how to employ them. b. Protect your spouses: person, reputation and feelings. c. Respect your spouse 24/7 wherever you are. d. Keep “family business” in the family. Never discuss what’s going on between you and your spouse with anyone of the opposite sex (unless it’s one of your parents (and even then with caution). e. Be very keen on recognizing attempts by the opposite sex to invade your spouse’s territory. (YOU)! f. “Mow and manicure” the grass in your own yard!” g. Guard against putting yourself into situations that could create opportunities for temptation and compromise.
5. Promote Marriage through modeling and advocacy :
Advocating marriage does not neccessarily mean that you go around “parading” your prowess at marriage and your “beautiful” marital relationship! But it does mean that you” carry yourself like you are married!” That is all you have to do. Treat each other like Kings and Queens at all times. (even at home) Exercise your boundaries. When in the presence of courting singles, be willing to share information with them (if they ask). It is a real possibility that they may have not received any pre-marital counseling. But, don’t by any means, be “pushy”! In the final analysis, be spiritual, factual, and natural in your encouragement to them. I believe that if the principles that I have talked about in this blog are adhered to, that all married persons will be able to AFFAIR-PROOF their marriages!
Charles E. Creech, Author: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! (Available on Amazon in print or Kindle) or from the author directly.