You Had An Emotional Affair; But Didn’t Know It!

WHO IS HE FANTASIZING ABOUT? HER? (Hope she’s his wife!)

WHO IS SHE FANTASIZING ABOUT? HIM? (Is he her husband?)

Many times married couples get into extra-marital affairs from one night stands, a few days, to several weeks, to months and to years even. Some perps have even been caught in the act of physical, sexual activity and have tried to foist upon their partner an explanation that makes no sense: e.g.:#1. “Honey, this is not what it looks like!! I CAN EXPLAIN!!” #2. In other instances they may say: “They didn’t mean ANYTHING to me!” Other times one may hear: #3. “I didn”t plan to do this. It just happened!” Another may say, #4. “I didn’t know what was happing; it was so fast!” #5. “I did’t know what I was getting into or what I was doing!” In other words, “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!” (as the lyrics of a country music song goes)

I am going to break down each of these “lame-brained” excuses we make up to try to justify our immoral behavior.

1. “Not what it looks like!”: Obviously, if your are caught having sex with someone who is not your legal marriage partner; that is what “IT” is……..unless you are being raped. It is not likely that you will be able to explain yourself out of this one! As the now deceased Ricky Ricardo would say to his wife, Lucy……”SPLAIN!” (explain)

2. “They didn’t mean anything to me!” Now this one is really stupid! If they meant nothing to you and the experience meant nothing to you; then why did you risk so much for so little? Explain! This may sound to you as the “perp”, to be a good answer; but, believe me! It is not. A hurt husband or wife will never accept that explanation because in their mind their value has just been severely cheapened if not trashed by your lustful, careless, thoughtless, selfish behavior. The cheap thrill you thought you were getting will be the most expensive act you will ever perform in your entire life!

3. and 4. “I didn’t plan to do this; it just happened!” Really? At best you were very naieve, foolish/stupid, or you have some kind of cognitive issue and you couldn’t make a rational decision. And at worse, you’re a liar! Adultery is one of the most well-laid, planned activities in the world. You cannot commit adultery without making plans (if only for a few minutes). Individuals who have a sexual experience with another person outside of their marriage are definitely involved emotionally whether they realize it or not. And the main point is that Before any physical activity takes place some mental and emotional activity has gone on before. People who deny the presence of this dynamic in their experience are in serious and dangerous denial.

This now brings us to the main point of this blog. And that is that the emotional affair has begun a considerable time before any visible physical activity takes place. How do we know this? I’ll explain; but before we do let’s look at point # 5. “I didn’t know what I was doing.” Or “I don’t know what happened!” In other words: “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!” That is laughable! If that is the way you think, you should not be allowed to be out in public. You are a danger to other people and a menace to yourself. Further, you must have temporarily lost your mind! You do know that when you took your marriage vows before an officiate and witnesses, family, friends and your bride/groom, you were serious about what you were doing, that you were to give yourself to no one else other than your spouse. But maybe…. just maybe, you did not know that the physical act is always preceded by an emotional and mental investment earlier on.

You see, many people have the notion that if they do not touch a person or just talk to them on the phone or at a distance; that they have not crossed any boundaries and they’re “good!” Quoting former First Lady Michelle Obama, when she says, “LET ME BE CLEAR!”, I shall offer some Biblical support and characters for my position and I will be perfectly clear. However, none of this will make any sense to you unless you accept and respect the Holy Bible as a source of reliable and meaningful authority!:

A. Solomon, the Wise Man said this: Proverbs 23:7 “For as he (man or woman) thinketh in his heart, so [is] he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee.” B. Jesus further emphasized the mental and emotional aspects of infidelity when He said , “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5: 27 (already) Italics, mine. Jesus thus emphasized the fact that adultery begins in the mind with the emotions precedent to the physical or even without the physical act. Albeit it may be possible to stop “going all the way”, it is not likely. It is somewhat like eating a Lays’s potato chip: “You can’t eat just one!” C. Look at King David. The account is given in 2 Samuel 11: 1-5. David, first of all, should have been with his men in a military campaign. But he was in the palace “lolly-gagging” and being bored. So he went out and walked on his balcony and spied a beautiful woman taking a “shower” and apparently naked. We can’t blame David for responding by being aroused. That is the way that men are “wired”. His was a natural reaction that most normal, healthy men experience. But the problem was that: “If you look long, you’ll look wrong!’ as (the saying goes) David chose to keep looking until he was hopelessly hooked. The scripture states that she was VERY beautiful to look at. This is where his emotions also overpowered his reasoning and consequently disabled his inhibitions. It did not take long for him to implement his lustful desires to be with Bathsheba…….he commanded her through a servant or other aide to come over to “his house” and he “got her pregnant!” Familiar story isn’t it? And the rest is tragic history!

Please note the sequence: 1. In the beginning, IT WAS/IS ONLY YOU. You could/can, stop, think, pray and ask God to forgive you and turn your attention to more useful, and pure content and more proper pursuits. 2. But if it (the congnitive activity) or thinking, or fantsizing continues….. it involves the object of your desire/lust and could lead to 3. This person then becomes your mental/emotional relationship partner. 4. Thus affecting your genuine relationship with your legitimate partner. 5. The result of this emotional involvement now also affects your relationship with God. Can you now see and understand how dangerous an emotional affair can be? Let’s move on! But before we move on so quickly, ponder this: We are tempted many times and in many ways, in one day.

Let us be clear: Temptation to sin is always from an external source. THAT SOURCE IS SATAN AND HIS EVIL ANGELS! HOWEVER, TO BE TEMPTED IS NOT THE SAME THING AS COMMITTING THE SIN! Your spouse or significant other may ask you at some point: “Were you ever tempted ‘to be with him or her’?” If you are honest, you will say yes, if that was the case. If you really understand what temptation is, your answer will not admit any guilt of a sin committed. Your questioner may not appreciate your answer and in their haste to convict you, may judge you “right on the spot”, guilty! Allow me to explain: We all know that Jesus, while on earth, was tempted by Satan daily! But Jesus “had his number!” In St. John’s Gospel, 14:30 KJV: Jesus said to His hearers, “Hereafter I will not talk much with you: for the prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me.” In other words, he found no responsive cord in Jesus’ life! In Luke’s Gospel, Chapter 4: verses1-13, Jesus Himself, was tempted by Satan three (3) times! But Jesus never sinned………Because he did not yield to the temptations of Satan! So “Take this to the bank!” If a thought comes into your mind and you immediately throw it out and do not dwell on it or cherish it, you have not sinned. But if you think on it, fantasize about it and put yourself into it; you have sinned.

SIGNS OF A PERSON HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

Let’s look at the activity that goes on in the mind of a tempted one for a few minutes. I was conversing with someone recently who holds the view that if you get impressions mentally to do evil, that you are demon-possessed. However, this is not the case at all! The case is made all thru the Bible that demonic angels are at work in the lives of every human being 100% of the time. You do not have to acknowledge this fact. It is a reality whether you acknowledge it or not!

As I continued to converse with the individual I advanced the idea that because we cannot actually audibly discern evil angels communicating with us or to us, it does not mean that they are not getting their nefarious messages to us. Allow me to explain: God has created many very important mediums of communication for us. However we can only utilize a few in our sinful state. Let’s look at light and sound. Light is represented by the term “spectrum”. Sound is represented by the term “frequency”. It so happens that we can knowingly hear some frequencies and many others we cannot detect audibly. Fortunately or unfortunately in some cases, our brains can nontheless “hear” them. This is precisely the reason that you can rehearse speeches, lesson plans, verbal responses, self-talk and other internal communication in your head. Satan utilizes this feature in his communication with us to do his bidding. (How he does it; we don’t know) Because you can hear or discern the devil speaking to you, does not mean that you are demon-possessed! Remember, that Satan spoke to Jesus in three (3) temptations! Jesus’ hearing him did not make him sinful or a partaker of his challenges. Jesus heard him and even talked to him. Jesus prevailed against Satan. You still, also, have your will and your power of choice to either act on his suggestions or to reject them. This gives us some insight into the battle that goes on in the mind. You can find this exciting story in Matthew’s gospel, Chapter 4, Verse 1-11.

So, how do you know when you are having or have had an emotional affair? Following are just a few signs….the list is not at all exhaustive:

1. You daydream and fantasize more about someone other than your spouse because they make you feel “good some kind’a way”.
2. You may feel that you “deserve more” for one reason or another.
3. You relish taking risks.
4. You are impulsive and act before thinking things thru. Incidentally, that’s how you got into the mess!
5. Not only do you think about the object of your illicit affection, you talk about them often as well and might have to check yourself that you do not betray your thinking when talking to your spouse.
6. You make up reasons or excuses to interact secretly with that person: such as stopping by their cubicle at work as often as you can.
7. You definitely cross boundaries.
8. You discuss your “family business” with ‘that’ person.
9. You feel a need for more privacy than normal….taking and making all phone calls in private.
10. You may begin “dressing to impress”.
11. You delete the text history on your cell phone.
12. You may engage your spouse in talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.
13. You may avoid intimate conversation with your spouse or “stonewall” them to avoid revealing your duplicity.
14. You may unconsciously begin to compare your spouse with “the object of your affection.”
15. Last but not least, you may be experiencing temporary highs; but you cannot share it with anyone because you are violating your marriage vows. No one has to tell you that your thinking is wrong and that if you continue it is going to lead to physical contact and more than likely illicit sexual contact as well. And again, you may deny it; but you have just experienced an emotional affair!

So, what do you do now? There will be different answers based on who you talk with. You have choices. But the emotional affair should not be taken lightly. Here are some suggestions:

1. If you have not violated physically, talk with your accountability partner. It is more likely that much of what has happened has just been in your “stupid head”. You still have a chance.
2. If your marital relationship is strong enough and your intimacy is well developed, you can share your true feelings with your spouse and you can re-commit at this point and take measures to treat the “bruise” you have inflicted upon your spouse and your relationship.
3. By all means, you must confess to God your sin of adultery, ask for forgiveness and take measures to make sure that you never get into that kind of situation again.
4. “Going forward”, a. you must stregthen yourself by building up your weakened “Spiritual Immune System” by prayer & Bible Study. b. Find out about boundaries, how you can employ them to monitor what you see, hear, touch, taste, think and feel.
5. Remember, that Jesus left us a very good example of how to deal with Satan’s temptations and REMEMBER THAT TO BE TEMPTED IS NOT THE SAME THING AS YIELDING TO IT!

Charles E. Creech, Author: “God’s holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!” (Available on Amazon in print or Kindle)