Categories
Clergy Marital Infidelity, Marital Infidelity

When You Can’t Let Go, Part Two

“Shot by The Revenue Man!”

To begin this blog today, I have a few questions to ask you:

  1. Have you suffered from being betrayed by an adulterous, lying spouse?
  2. Did they “keep you in the dark” (for whatever their “reasons” there were) about their dirty deed(s), making “a fool out of you”?
  3. Even though it has been many years ago and it seems as though it just happened yesterday, do you still get flashbacks and and sit and ruminate about how you were “played” and your life has been ruined?
  4. You may even be divorced from them now, but do you still get angry and curse and fume every time you think about them? (Re-playing “what could have been” scenarios)?
  5. Does everything that annoys you remind you of your unfaithful spouse?
  6. When you watch the “trashrality (reality), “baby-daddy” (paternity) confirmation shows and other voyeur media, do you wish your offender had taken a lie detector test so that you could have caught them?
  7. Do you wish that you could overcome these feelings that are ruining your present emotional, and mental health? That it would all go away; but you can’t let it go?
  8. Are you plagued by your memories of a moral fall of your own that you can’t seem to shake off or have closure on; even after many, many, years? Are you still asking yourself, “Why did I do that?” I don’t know what happened to me……….. and I did that!”
  9. Do you feel like and often verbalize that your whole married life has been ruined by your unfaithful spouse?
  10. Does mental images of your spouse’s infidelity keep “popping up” and dominating your thinking most of your day or worse….every day?

If you can answer most of the questions in the affirmative, then…….”You’ve been shot by the revenue man!” What am I talking about??! Keep reading!

The image above and the caption is a cliche’ from many years ago, back during the days of prohibition in the U.S. As always the business of making and selling alcoholic beverages has always been very lucrative. People drink alcohol sometimes get addicted; but nevertheless continue drinking, much to the delight of the distiller or moonshiner. Recognizing the potential of alcoholic beverages to force people to spend very large sums of money, even at the risk of losing home, property, family and even life; the state governments greedily levied taxes on liquor sales. When they couldn’t get their money from illegal liquor sales and dishonest bootleggers, they sent the Revenue Man after “their” money. He was “not nice”! His objective was not only to apprehend the moonshiner that day; but to maim or disable him from operating moonshine stills in the future (without killing him). Thus, the saying was coined: “If you ever get shot by the revenue man; you might get better; but you’ll NEVER get well!” When marital infidelity is experienced in your relationship, it is sort of like that saying has been expressed. We will explain as we go along.

In our last blog we talked about “When To Let Go”. We mentioned 7 Ground Rules to help you put your experience behind you. We will briefly review them: You can read them in detail in the previous blog.

  1. Exercise respectful conduct. (No bullying, intimidation or threats)
  2. Dialog honestly and courteously.
  3. Resist the urge to be “judge, jury and executioner”.
  4. Understand the difference between “Confession” and “Acknowledgement”
  5. Resist the urge to be pejorative.
  6. Be willing to get professional help if neccessary.
  7. Exercise the right attitude as you approach recovery.

Now to our topic for today: What does being “Shot By The Revenue Man” have to do with recovery from adultery in anyone’s life? A Lot!! The Revenue Man inflicted traumatic and permanent physical and mental injury upon his targets. Likewise, adultery does the same thing to a marriage in many ways. It takes a decided and sustained effort to deal with the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual damage caused by adultery. Today we will list a few tips to aid one in their effort to “get better” in their marital relationship after adultery in their marriage. We will be concentrating mostly on why and how one’s mental attitude affects their rate of recovery. Let’s turn to the Bible for counsel:

The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Phillipians 3:13, says “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”. Paul is telling us that there comes a time in which we must forget the things in our past and reach forward to the future. In another text we are reminded of the fact that we are what we think Proverbs 23:7 tells us that “For as he thinketh in his heart, so [is] he”: So if we are to overcome the effects of adultery in our life,or any other traumatic or disturbing event in our lives, we must find a way or ways to prevent the thoughts and ruminations of our minds from keeping us living in the past. We are talking about Mental Health. How is this accomplished? But before we offer any suggestions, we should look at some existing or pre-existing conditions or situations that should be addressed:

1. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): Many times, adults have had traumatic or very negative experiences during their childhood’s and early adolescent formative years. These events are referred to by the mental health experts as “Adverse Childhood Experiences. These could be (a) injuries to their personhood by put downs by one or both of their parents; (b) always being blamed for something someone else did, or being called a liar repeatedly when they were telling the truth! (c) other times being “put on the back burner” of their parents’ priorities. (d) Another ACE is witnessing the physical or mental abuse of one of their parents by the other. (e) Some children were subjected to physical, verbal, or sexual abuse by their mom’s or dad’s spouse of partner; or in the worst case scenario….sexual abuse by their own parent! (f) Other cases originate in how they were treated or mistreated by their childhood or adolescent peers. This list is by no means exhaustive. I am sure you can think of others. The bottom line is that this baggage that you have carried all of your life, is surely brought into a marital relationship in very many marriages and can cause many problems if they are not recognized and neutralized before they get into a marital relationship.

2. The courtship period of a romantic relationship is a time for a couple to learn as much as they can about how their boyfriend/girlfriend approaches certain problem-solving issues. During this time it is very easy to overlook serious character, emotional, ethical, spiritual, self-esteem and cognitive issues; just to mention a few; because they are so enamored and “dumb-struck” with each other that they just cannot be objective about things that are clear to onlookers; such as parents, siblings, friends, and others.

3. Another problem that may prepare a couple for “trouble down the road”, is sometimes an issue can be detected or discovered by one or both parties but one or both of them may verbalize the attitude that “I can change them!” After you are married, you find out unfortunately, you can’t!

POST INFIDELITY STRESS DISORDER

What is that? It a series of negative or painful mental/emotional reactions or results that are triggered by reference to or memory of an act of marital infidelity and experienced by a person so affected. These reactions can result in the victim becoming depressed, angry, combative, negative and otherwise reactive. In some cases, if not treated, PISD can actually, eventually lead to personality changes, physical illness, cognitive decline, memory loss, accelerated dimentia, bizaar behavior and/or withdrawal from society. Individuals so affected by the symptoms mentioned above should get professional help, or consider joining a support group. We will now address several points (by no means exhaustive) on dealing with Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD)

  1. Work thru your feelings: When we have either committed a serious violation or suffered a violation to us, we may (if we are normal) suffer the results of that trauma for a long time. We have examples from the Bible of a few characters who had such an experience. Let’s look at Jacob first: The story is told in Genesis 27: verses 1-41. Jacob commited the sin of stealing the birthright from Esau his older brother. Consequently, Jacob had to “leave town” to keep his brother from killing him. What he had done troubled him until he made it right with his brother. Chapters 32 and 33 relates the story of how Jacob came to terms with his brother and with God. It was not easy; but he got through it. Second, we cite David, who had committed adultery with a man’s wife and then had him murdered. The story is related in 2 Samuel Chapters 11 and 12 of his great sin. David suffered tremendous guilt, emotional and mental pain as a result of his sins. And no wonder….This was a man who had committed adultery with another man’s wife and then had him killed to cover up his sin!! WHO DOES THAT??!! Psalms 32: 1-7 relates what David went through. He said, “When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.” Some of his greatest psalms came from the period of time when he was going through that experience of working thru his feelings. Psalms 69 is a good example of how to work thru our feelings when dealing with our sins. The “bottom line” is that only you and God can do this work. You cannot and must not blame anyone else for your recovery. As the saying goes: “The ball is in your court!”
  2. Break free from your past! As stated earlier, a good place to start is: Philippians 3:13 which says “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 3:14, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” I know that this suggestion is much harder done than said! But it is doable if you will follow a few simple rules and set in place a few boundaries, which we will talk about now:
  3. Avoid and/or Eliminate all of Your Trauma Triggers. How do we get or receive TT? Trauma Triggers can come from external and internal sources. However, most come to our minds from the outside. We will deal with the external first: To avoid TTs, one recovering from infidelity must guard the “avenues” of their soul. Or put another way, they must be concious of what they watch, listen to, read, and talk about. This will include careful self-monitoring of the watching or listening to of voyoueristic TV or radio shows, videos, porn, and other media that are not only not spiritual; but could be morally corrupting, offer no solutions, are only entertainment, and most imporrtantly, only serve to keep you imprisioned in the world of “coulda, woulda, shoulda!” Your thoughts, emotions, anger and biases are chained…..frozen, hopelessly stuck in the mire of the negative past.
  4. Why you should avoid watching TV/Movie Celebrity People’s Reality/Talk Shows is: YOU ARE IN MARITAL INFIDELITY RECOVERY! Your emotions are probably already raw enough! You do not need that negative stimulation! The major reason most of the shows are popular is because they are produced for entertainment. The “situations” offered are not spiritually based and are more secular and popular and in many instances suggesting revenge; rather than love or forgiveness. Many viewers, if hurt or damaged because of an infidelity in their marriage, they are immediately drawn into a net of sympathetic or revengeful thinking which they then TRANSFER into their own experience. They enter into the experience so much that they want the perpertrator to be punished, exposed or otherwise hurt to pay you for their sins! YOU CANNOT HEAL WHEN YOU KEEP OPENING THE WOUND!! You cannot advance unless you change your thinking habits. The Apostle Paul wrote this to the Christians in Philippi: Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.” I think that is very good advice. Do you agree?
  5. Genuinely forgive your offender. Here’s why: At the very heart of Recovery and Letting Go is FORGIVENESS. This is where most people fail in their attempt to overcome the pain and disappointment of marital infidelity in their marriage. But forgiveness is fundamental to getting well. The Gospel writer, Matthew in Chapter 6, verses 12, 14 and 15 records the prayer of Jesus that He taught His disciples. It has much meaning for us in dealing with Him and human beings. “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” There was a TV program recently that featured a woman whose son had been murdered. As she was being interviewed, she stated that she held no malice for her son’s killer. She said, “I had to forgive him. I had no choice! If I don’t forgive him, God will not forgive me!” But, she really did have a choice. She could have chosen not to forgive and carried that load of vitriolic hate for the rest of her life. BUT, she CHOSE to forgive. She now no longer had to offer Satan rent-free space in her head. She no longer felt the need to “bring it up” at every opportunity that came her way. SHE WAS NOW FREE!! Equally important, she secured her place in Heaven because Jesus would now also forgive her of her sins. Oh, if people could only learn and practice The Lord’s Prayer! This would be a much better world and there would be more healing in the land, and especially in marriages. Conversely, you can “take this to the bank”, if you keep the sins of your perpetrator ever before them, you can be sure that you have not forgiven them and infortunately you may be in danger of missing Heaven. (that’s putting it nicely, you know the other place!)
  6. Resist the urge to connect everything that happens to you presently, to your experience of loss, pain, and disappointment. If you want to be chained to and smothered by negativety from you your past, just keep linking everything, you see, hear, or feel presently to those thoughts and experiences! YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER! It will not be easy; but you must immediately control your mind and turn your thoughts into another direction. This is an important choice you must make. Try this from the wise man, Solomon: Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so [is] he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee” Remember……you are what you think. You must control your mind and not let it wander, dwell, and ruminate an excessive amount of time on negativity. Free your mind…..Free yourself!” Find something positive to do. Keep busy doing things to help others. This will keep you from feeling “blue” all of the time. It is a true saying that: “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop!” Deny him the space!! Today!!
  7. Seek help from God. I offer to you David’s experience in Psalms 142: verses 1-7 for you to ponder and digest how you can implement the principles in your own experience. From: Maschil of David: A Prayer when he was in a cave running from his enemies. “I cried unto the LORD with my voice; with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication. I poured out my complaint before him; I showed before him my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path. In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me. I looked on [my] right hand, and beheld, but [there was] no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul. I cried unto thee, O LORD: I said, Thou [art] my refuge [and] my portion in the land of the living. Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I. Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name: the righteous shall compass me about; for thou shalt deal bountifully with me.” I know that when we pray like that…..and mean it, throwing ourselves on God’s breast (so to speak) without any shame or restraint, that He WILL do something powerfully effective for you! TRY HIM!
  8. Ask God to do what you cannot do for yourself! Ask Him to give you a new attitude. Israel’s King David, had committed some awful sins as earlier mentioned. In the 51st division of Psalms, we see how he poured out his heart to God. I would paraphrase it; but the language is too engaging, the tone so intense and the word so powerful; that I must let each stanza “speak” for itself. One cannot help but be moved by its intensity! (To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba): Verses 2-19: “Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 51:2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 51:3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me. 51:4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done [this] evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, [and] be clear when thou judgest. 51:5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. 51:6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 51:8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; [that] the bones [which] thou hast broken may rejoice. 51:9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 51:11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit. 51:13 [Then] will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. 51:14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: [and] my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 51:15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise. 51:16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give [it]: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 51:17 The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 51:18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 51:19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar. I believe that if you approach God this way; whether you are the perpertrator or the victim, God will hear you and change your revengful or self deprecating spirit and enable you to look at your experience from a position of defeat to one of victory!
  9. Grieve your losses, (accept closure) and “walk away!” When people talk about closure, they are often times talking about making a situation “right”, restoring things to the way they were, discovering why this thing happened to them, why did they do this to me?, inclusive of giving my tormentor “some of their own medicine” and the list goes on. By the same token, individuals who have, themselves, been in adulterous situations, may also ask the same questions of themselves. Why did I do it?! I don’t know what happened! That was not me!! So, it helps considerably that one in recovery must really understand what closure is and what it is not. Closure (by the way) is: Something that you once counted on as very important to your life is over and done. “Closure means acceptance of what has happened and honoring the transition away from what is finished to something new.” (Psychology Today, April 6, 2011) Below are listed some things you can do to hasten closure:
  10. Take full responsibility for yourself. You must no longer blame someone else for your present condition. To continue to blame others for your past, will keep you stuck in the past.
  11. You must honestly grieve your loss……but not forever. At some point, you must give it to God and leave it there!
  12. Seek Professional Help: We have talked about many issues relating to recovery from marital infidelity. We must…. as a last resort mention how very important it is to seek and get professional psychological or psychiatric help if you need to. You do not have to go thru the rest of your life regretting your bad choices and living in the fantasy world of “coulda, woulda, shoulda!” That is the place that Satan wants to keep you. Make your “fast break” for freedom and take your life back!” WHEN YOU CHOOSE to begin, you will get better and it is very likely you will get well!!

Charles E. Creech, author of: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! It is available on Amazon in hard copy and Kindle