This blog is written to aid married individuals to:
- Discover and learn ways to protect, enhance and if neccessary to recover from infidelity that may have severely damaged their marital relationships.
- To take an approach that is: Spiritual, Logical, Clinical and Practical.
Everyone who reads these blogs will not be amenable to the Spiritual approach; and that’s OK. But by the same token, logical, clinical and practical material may be difficult to discount. It is my hope that all aspects of the information presented will be given a fair hearing in the “court of your reasoning” as you seek answers to your questions about recovery.
Even though we have been talking about HEDGES for two issues, it is not too soon to talk about RECOVERY. In fact, this may be what you need right at this moment. Very many individuals who have been hurt by their spouse’s infidelity have serious difficulty in dealing with coming to the point of closure. In some cases, individuals are consumed with constantly thinking and ruminating about what was done to them and how it was dealt with. Other times victims are obsessed with the idea that they must know every detail and minutia of their spouses adulterous acts and behavior before they can have closure. While it is very true that acts of violence and many things done to us stay in our minds a very long time; maybe forever. These injuries to our soul can be healed and can be overcome if the victims seek and acquire the help they need. As a sidebar, I am reminded of an experience I had when I was still in my teens (19). I met an old lady (somewhere between 75 and 80 as I remember). I could see that she was once a very attractive woman. To describe her briefly, she had long black hair streaked with platinum gray strands. Her skin was the color of almond shells. Her facial features were well porportioned. In other words, at that age she was still attractive. I was a book salesman trainee and my sales manager had acquired a room in her house for me to rent while I was working in that city. We will address her as “Mrs. D”.
In the course of my stay at Mrs. D’s home, I met a family to which I became quite attached. They were much like people in the neighborhood that I had left back in Minden, WV. ……..”Down to earth” and very cordial. It was a family with a single mother who had about four youth of my age and grandchildren down to 3 or 4 years old. I enjoyed being with this family because interaction with them filled a void left by my having to leave my family and friends back home.
Eventually, in conversation with my land lady, Mrs. D, I found out something very devastating had happened to Mrs. D. She told me that the oldest son of the matriarch of the family that I had established a relationship with had raped her. She was still furious about this terrible thing that had happened to her. She talked about it every day with wrath and vitrol as if it had happened the night before. I felt very sorry for her even though at my young age, I did not fully understand all of the powerfully painful and negative impacts rape makes on a person’s spirit and life. Further, she strongly expressed to me that I should not be associating with such people. Though I felt sorry for her painful experience, I had problems understanding why she was still carrying around all of this hate, anger and ill will for so long. From my viewpoint, it certainly did not seem to bother the matriarch of my adopted family. In truth, the alledged rapist had been acquitted in court. I am convinced Mrs. D carried all of this rage and anger to her grave. I truly hope that she gave it up to God, before!
Years later, as I look back on this experience I realize that unfortunately, Mrs. D was the victim and was the willing prisoner of her past. Please do not get this twisted! I am in no way condoning rape. What I am focusing on is that when something traumatic happens to us, we must deal with it properly and sometimes clinically and professionally, and not allow it to control our lives forever. We MUST find ways to reconcile our minds with reality and focus in positive ways on our recovery rather than replay the mental images, and experiences daily, constantly, or forever. It is not hard to see that such a response by a victim or the perpertrater can only lead to a miserable existence which is not neccessary when so much help is available. So, this month, although I wanted to advance along a progressive stream from beginning of adultery to recovery, I decided to detour because I was impressed that someone needs this message NOW! Before I go into this month’s blog, I offer you this quote from my book, “God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!”: “If you have fallen, what are your options? When a client asked her counselor, “What should we do to get our marriage back on track?” He said, “You have several choices. 1.You can run out and get a costly and painful divorce, as many offended partners do, and fight each other as bitter enemies for the remainder of your lives. 2. Or you can stay and frequently rub their nose into their self-created mess for the rest of your lives and despise one another, or 3. you can both work towards cleaning the slate of what has happened between you, and work towards the restoration of your once happy marriage. You choose!”
STEPS TO RECOVERY: FOR VICTIMS AND OFFENDERS
Sometimes, though rarely, couples who have suffered adultery try to deal with the violations on their own. Most times they are not successful. At other times they may involve their spiritual leaders or others whom they trust. Still some situations may require professional help because feelings may be so intense that it is advisable to have an impartial mediator or counselor present to insure order, prevent abuse, bullying, and promote free expression of all parties without interruption, threats, coercion or intimidation. Having said that, let’s move to the next area of concern.
PREREQUISITES FOR RECOVERY
GROUND RULES
- Be willing to excercise respectful conduct: Both parties must commit to respectful conduct: No bullying, no name calling and no foul language is acceptable at any time.
- Dialog must be honest but respectful nevertheless
- There must exist a continual resistance to being “judge, jury and excutioner”.
- Both parties should possess a knowledge of the difference between “confession” and acknowledgement”. Example #1- David said after his adultery with Bathsheba 51:3 “For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me”. Example #2 -David had Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband murdered by putting him on the front line to be killed so he could take Bathsheba to marry. He had no plans of confessing anything to anybody. But when Nathan, God’s prophet approached David with the truth of his sinful and deadly behavior, In 2 Samuel 12:13 “David said unto Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD“. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. This was acknowledgement but not confession before discovery. This is a very important aspect of how to deal with your unfaithful spouse. The fact that they may admit their sin after discovery does not discount the fact that they did own up to it at all. God accepted David’s very late admission and we should accept our spouses admissions also.
- Both parties must resist the urge to be perjorative.
- Both parties should be willing to get professional help if neccessary.
- Be willing to exercise the right attitude as you approach recovery. a. Be willing to exercise grace and mercy rather than punishment. b. Realize the offender cannot possibly pay you for your lossess: Matthew 18: 22-35 gives us a perfect example of how to handle an unfaithful spouse who has hurt you; or you have been unfaithful and has hurt someone. “
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took [him] by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? Answer: The 10,000 talents represented even at that time more than the annual budget of several cities. It would have taken him over 5,000 years to repay the money. Jesus’ parabolic illustration made it clear that you can not pay your way for your sins. As that wicked servant could not repay, You cannot be paid, neither can You ever pay for the hurt, pain and loss you have caused. Further, as long as you continue to demand payment from someone else rather than forgiving them of the debt, God is not going to forgive you of your debt to Him. This is Biblical forgiveness: BE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT IT.
c. Be willing to accept your own behavior on the same level of condemnation and level of sinfulness as you accuse your offender. Do not try to minimize your behavior and at the same time inflate or exaggerate your guilty spouse’s behavior. Such actions are like five children who have just emerged from a muddy puddle. All of their shirts are splattered with mud. Some are not as dirty as others and they cry out defending themselves. “Look, my shirt is cleaner than yours!” But in reality, and despite their vigorous defense, they just had on the cleanest dirty shirt!!
d. Go into your discussions/negotiations or counsel with a positive attitude; that with God’s help and His grace, you can resolve your issues and move beyond the brokeness of your relationship. Fight the urge to keep re-visiting the scenes of your marriage ship wreck! Keep in mind that continuing to re-hash those events only serves to keep you demoralized, depressed and in pain. That is just what Satan wants! Deny him that access to your mind! Tear up his lease and burn it!! If you do not make this attitude adjustment, you will never recover from the adultery in your life. On the other hand, with the right attitude, all things are possible!
8. Be willing to accept and respect the authority of the Bible as appropriate counsel for marital problems: Why? a. The marriage covenant is not only between couples but is also with God. b. God is pro-marriage and he only allowed divorce because people refused to forgive each other. c. Because we may have been hurt so badly by our experience, and we are angry, we may reject the counsel of the Bible as being too lenient with those who have committed adultery, lied, and done other things to destroy the marriage. But just keep in mind that adultery, and the breaking any of the Ten Commandments is NOT the unpardonable sin. We have to accept and extend God’s grace and mercy to those who tresspass against us as we accept it for ourselves (who are also tresspassers, even of the same kind). I know………..It is difficult to have to forgive someone who “went out on you”. FORGIVENESS IS NOT FAIR!! That is why any one of who makes it to Heaven will be there because God is just, graciious and merciful! If He were just fair, ALL of us would go to HELL!
9. Finally, both victims and offenders must commit to the task of rebuilding the marriage relationship. You must decide to work it out or stop talking, ruminating, or commiserating about your or your spouse’s acts of unfaithfulness. In the words of an anecdote of long ago, you must decide if you are going to *”Run with the Rabbits or Bark with the Hounds”!
*Many years ago when many people supplemented their diets with wild life (rabbits, squirrels, possums and other animals, they hunted with hound dogs that ran the prey down and the hunter eventually killed the animals and took them home to supplement the dinner table. However before the hunter started his hunt, he knew without the shadow of a doubt that each of his hounds would never “change their mind” and start running with the rabbits. By nature, they were committed to barking with and chasing with the other hounds! Conversely, finally, couples who choose to work it out must refrain from breaking their promises to move forward and not to look back. All of the above is offered simply to give a few helpful tips to recover from adultery. But, to do this, you must stop looking back! Do let Satan trick you into entering into his trap of relating every difficulty you have to your marriage relationship problems. You must let go of:
a. Past hurts
b. Lost opportunities
c. Failed attempts
d. Anger
e. Blaming
f. The Right to Punish
g. The desire to win
REMEMBER: LET GO OF THINGS YOU CAN ‘T CHANGE
FOCUS ON THE THINGS YOU CAN!
By: Charles E. Creech, Author of God’s Holy Men need Mending; And So do You! Rebounding from Marital Infidelity in the 21st Century. Available on Amazon or directly from the Author.
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