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Clergy Marital Infidelity, Marital Infidelity

“HONEY, IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!”

HOW DO EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS GET STARTED?

This is blog #2. I want to remind our readers of the purpose of the blog: 1. To alert everyone of the potential dangers that threaten the peace, happines and well-being of individuals in marital relationships. And further to forewarn individuals preparing to marry of the pitfalls and traps that could possibly threaten their marriages in the future.

2. To make married couples be more aware of what they can do to protect their marriages.

3. To enable married couples to better understand what happened if they have suffered or caused an marital infidelity.

4. To offer a few tools and insights into to recovery from marital infidelity.

5. And finally, to assist any one who has fallen to learn more, how they can prevent the recurrence of infidelity in their marriage.

So, let’s get started on this month’s topic. Imagine a married couple who are not with their respective spouses, but are in a hotel room or some other secret place, in a “compromising position”, undressed and disheveled. They have just been discovered by the female spouse. Their moment of stolen, golden love, in the “blink of cat’s eye”, has now turned into a scene of abject terror as she appears in the doorway of their little oddessy! In shock, and anger Nanette screams, “What’s going on here?! How long has this been going on?!” She only has her sturdy Coach shoulder bag and swings it wildly at the couple. The other woman jumps out of the bed and disappears into a nearby bathroom. Her husband hurridly tries to get dressed and begins to “explain”to his wife what is happening. He says, “HONEY, THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Nanette says, “IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH OUR MAID!” I know, I know……this sounds familiar and sort of comical; but it is apparently more common than we think. It also illustrates how utterly stupid a person can be to get involved in an extra-marital affair and give a response like this and expect someone to believe it! That statement is sometimes followed up with “They didn’t mean anything to me or It didn’t mean ANYTHING TO ME!” Now that one is really stupid! If it didn’t mean anything to you; why did you risk so much and go to such great lengths to do what you did? Something is not right with that logic!! Either something “snapped in your brain” and you “lost it” or you are clearly delusional. Well, enough of that baloney! How did this affair get started anyway? How did this situation develop? Why did it persist to the point of acting out verbally, emotionally, and physically? In the next few paragraphs we will examine some of the factors that led to full blown SEX.

Before we go further though, we are reminded that women get involved with extramarital activities for slightly different “reasons” than men. Consequently, we cannot neglect them and leave them out of our secenarios as we discuss this topic. It would not be fair to them! So, here we go! Hang on!

This short anectedote is about Henry and Juneeva. Henry (not the 8th) leaves for work around 5:00 a.m. but feels weak and queasy on the job and decides to return home around 10:00 a.m. The children have gone to school and he expects to go straight to his bed and feel better by the time his wife and kids return from work and school, respectively. He opens the front door and goes straight up the stairs of the center hall of their colonial house. He opens the bedroom door and much to his surprise sees Juneeva and a man in HIS bed. She frantically tries to pull the bed sheets up quickly to to try to cover up her and her paramour. Henry is in shock and stands there speechless while Juneeva exclaims, “HENRY, IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Henry finally catches his breath and responds, “IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH THE GARDENER.” Juveena then says, YEAH, BUT YOU CAN’T SEE THE EMOTIONAL BOND WE’RE FORMING!” (SMH) This all sounds comical and it would be if the consequences of such behavior were not so severe and the damage done not so catastrophic! Remember, I mentioned that women have affairs for slightly different reasons than men. But whatever the EXCUSE, IT IS NOT FUNNY! And now that we have “leveled the playing field”, we can go on to talk about our next subject: “HOW DO EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS GET STARTED (AND PERSIST UNTIL CONSUMMATION OR TERMINATION?)

You may recall (if you read our first blog) that avoiding adultery and keeping our marriages safe and intact is all about employing “HEDGES”. No one can get involved in an extra-marital affair without breaching hedges!…….NO ONE!! Before we go into this month’s topic, let’s review what we covered in the previous blog: “WHAT ARE HEDGES? WHY YOU NEED THEM!”

  1. Guarding the “avenues of your soul”.
  2. Guarding the sanctity of the family circle.
  3. Guarding the purity of your thought life.
  4. Respecting your vulnerabilities.
  5. Guarding your verbal, physical expressions and responses to the opposite sex.
  6. Being honest in your verbal expressions, without innuendo or hidden agendas, or “double talk” with the opposite sex.

Today: Hedge #7: Cultivate your own grass on your side of the “Hedge Row!” In the vast majority of marital infidelities, they could have been handily avoided if the offending parties had only exercised their determination to remain true to their wedding vows. The vow itself is a hedge that you carry with you in your heart (mind) wherever you go. You stood before a cleric or magistrate and made a solemn pledge to “keep thee only to thyself. Until death do us part”. You said, “I DO!”

But “Something” happened!! Everyone’s experience is different in some aspect; but alike in most ways. We are talking about nurturing your own marital relationship. It is a common reality that the workplace is a “nursery” where the seeds for the development of most affairs are sown and grown. Why? Because a substantial amount of time is spent in the presence of individuals of the opposite sex away from the spouse. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. The problem begins when one of the “offenders” gradually becomes overly comfortable talking to and sharing sensitive, personal, or family related information with that certain co-worker. I might add here that most people actually never intended to “end up” in an affair with anyone. It is just that human nature being what it is, naturally draws people together when they begin to bond socially, emotionally, intellectually, vocationally, recreationally, culturally, politically, economically, spiritually and many other ways. These bonds are fine! The problem is when individuals of the opposite sex begin to bond sexually and emotionally. It’s quite alright if they are married; but it is a breach of boundaries if they are not married to each other and/or married to another. (for instance, a single and a married individual) Now, let’s unpack how all of this works: (You may have to use your imagination a little.)

There would never be an extra-marital affair if each partner in the marital relationship would take care of each other properly. They would both be so busy being occupied by the joys, benefits, trust, intimacy, and challenges of married life, that they both share in their relationship, that no one could possibly get in to disrupt their stable union. Some marriage counselors say that in many instances, people people get into affairs because there was “something missing in their relationship”. Although, unfaithful spouses may deny this assumption, nevertheless it is true. Research has demonstrated that it just may be difficult to discover and pinpoint it!

First, let’s take a look at What An Affair Needs To Flourish: 7 Things

  1. An Objective: A person, or to satisfy a curiosity or an impulse/drive of some kind that may be mind or mood-altering.
  2. A compromised mind.…e.g, a mental view of the opposite sex perhaps distorted by porno viewing. In some cases, individuals assess the risk associated with their behavior to be minimal. Or they will get away with their behavior without being caught. In other instances they may get into the affair not realizing the gravity of what they were getting into and later say “I didn’t know the gun was loaded!”
  3. Opportunity: It is/was convenient. (timing, place, occasion, temperment)
  4. Secrecy: It s an essential element. No One can get into an affair and say that it “just happened.” Adultery is the one activity that requires careful planning. Of course, it follows; the planning is done in secret. Whether you are sitting on the balcony of your apartment looking across the court to the roof of another apartment complex and see your prey, like David did with Bathsheba, or get into your car and drive 10 or 15 miles through the city streets or drive 100 miles on the highway through the country, you had to have had time to think about the choice you had made to violate your marriage covenant. It did not “just happen”! You planned it!………..Secretly!!
  5. Deception: This involves giving false information concerning one’s whereabouts, who they were with, where, why, etc. Think about it. How many cheaters come right out and tell their spouses about their cheating?? Consider this: From the time of the violation until it is confessed to your spouse, a cheater is practicing deceit. That’s hard isn’t it? Yes, it is!
  6. Lying: It is impossible to have an affair while in a married state without lying. Some people think that lying is only in what you say; but lying is also what you keep to yourself that you should confess to your spouse. As long as you withhold the truth; and your spouse does not know it, you are telling/living a lie. It is called “a sin of omission.” No matter what your reasons were or how long you did not tell your spouse, even if you told Jesus and your partner in crime and did not tell your spouse, you were/are still lying. Hard; but true! It was Sir Walter Scott, (1808) who said, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!”
  7. Resources: Every affair involves the investment of resources such as logistics, time, energy, emotions, risk, intelligence (not much however) money and alibis. If you did not make an investment of any of these resouces willingly, then, you were raped and sexually abused! Otherwise, you were complicit in the affair. Now we till talk briefly about how affairs get started.

How Affairs actually start and persist until consummation or termination: 5 areas

We have said earlier that most people who get into affairs initially had no plans to do such a horrible thing. In all likelihood they were “looking for” something else. The interesting thing is they might can tell you what they were looking for or they might not be able to verbalize it. Research, observation and anectdotal evidence reveals that at least 7 steps are experienced in nearly all affairs. The Infidelity Recovery Institute has identified 7 types of affairs. We will not address all of them in this blog. You can consult their website perhaps, to discover your type. But for now we want to get into our subject for this month. Our blog is about the planting and deployment of “Hedges” aka boundaries.

  1. The beginning of an affair usually starts rather innocently. Neither individual (male or female) may not even grasp “what just happened” to start a fire going! (1) He or she may have given a flattering compliment to the other. The receiver will more than likly respond in kind. This kind of banter may be alright as long as no boundaries are crossed. But human nature, being what it is, is always looking for more fun, more stimulation, more good feeling, more excitement, etc. The caution is to keep it clean, honest and innocent. (2) Do not get too personal or friendly. (3) Discussion of family business: This is always a “No, No!” because what happens often is that when one of the parties experience a crisis either at home or on the job, they may perceive that that have a “shoulder to cry on”. Commiserate at home, with your spouse!! (4) Beware………. because not all of the communication is just with the voice. Physical gestures (body language), tone of voice, inflection of the voice, etc. all send messages picked up consciously or sublimably. YOU, the receiver, are responsible to filter out the potentially harmful communication by utilizing your hedges. Do not be timid or hesitant about deploying your hedges! Many times, when you sense that the verbal and visual interaction is going where you should not go; or allow someone else to go; redirect or stop them. If you don’t, and the verbal encounter evolves into a boundary breach, you will only have yourself to blame!
  2. The clarification of the relationship you wish to foster with a person with whom you work with or otherwise interact with needs to be well understood to properly employ effective hedges. What do I mean about “clarification of relationship”? There are many types of relationships to understand and consider when interacting with other people whether male or female. (5) Clarify your relationship. In today’s world, too many couples get into sexual relationships way too soon. They “take a bite” of the proverbial apple too fast. There are many fundamental issues that are essential to be addressed before a couple engages in sex; because once that door is opened, a new dynamic is addeded to the relationship that changes everything. And since the sexes are opposite, it is absolutely essential to understand the relationship you are in, the relationship you want and the relationship you are developing (whether it is knowingly or unconciously). As the slang goes…….. “Don’t get it twisted!” Let’s briefly review several types of relationships. First, what is a “Relationship”? There are many. Too many to discuss in this blog! But we will talk about five major relationships.

a. Platonic: a relationship between friends and while these relationships can be loving, they are not physically intimate. An example: A type of friendship shared by a man and a woman who are married to other people….They are good friends, but their relationship is strictly platonic. It is noteworthy that the platonic relationships one develops and maintains can actually help individuals in achieving emotional maturity which is crucial to having a successful romantic relationship. As a careful observer, it appears that when adolescents to young adult males and females interact on the Platonic level as they mature physcially, mentally, and sexually; they learn things about themselves. They learn the differences between different kinds of love. They learn to identify, sort out their emotions and develop healthy boundaries. The platonic relationship can be loving; but once it involves physical intimacy, (touching, kissing, hugging, and sex), it has then become a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship

The question one needs to ask themselves is: “If I allow my Platonic feelings to become my romantic feelings, what does it mean for my future?” “Am I prepared for how my decision will change the dynamics and trajectory of my life or my spouse’s life?” Or try this one: “Will my choice change my relationship with God?“

b. Business/Professional/Colleagues: These types of interactions are ongoing between two or more people that observe a set of established boundaries or limits that is deemed appropriate under governing ethical standards. There are rules. You observe them or get out!

c. Friendly: This is the most common relationship known to humans. It is the state of being friends involving mutual dealings with others. Incentives may be: race, culture, vocation, interests, concerns, etc.

d. Family: This relationship is a major one that we all know about. (Father+ Mother+ Children+ Grandchildren+ and all in-between. We had nothing to do get into this relationship; but we have a lot to do to maintain this relationship and benefit from it!!

e. Romantic: Definition: a romantic relationship is a voluntary relationship between individuals who have intentions that each person will be a significant part of their ongoing lives. They can start by becoming emotionally involved and revealing personal information. Other times they can be ignited by one partner asking to start a relationship. Other times signals are sent by hinting and in general talking about romance. The foregoing is fine and appropriate for single individuals. But for married or engaged couples; activity in these areas just listed is threatening to the respective committed relationships they have previously established.

All that we have said in this blog has been about Hedge #7, that is “Cultivate the grass on your side of the hedge!” Before closing this blog issue, I want to end on Seven positive notes:

  1. God invented sex pure and holy; but we let it get out of control.
  2. Divorce for any other reason than adultery is unlawful: Mt. 19:9
  3. God hates divorce: Mal. 2:16
  4. Adultery is committed in two ways: Thought/fantasies and Action/involving someone else. If and when you keep God’s 7th Commandment in mind and in heart you will be safe!
  5. You can avoid adultery by: a. “Making a covenant with your eyes” to keep them from roving on all of the wrong objects (people, that is) : In Job 31:1, Job said, “I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?” Proverbs 4:25 encourges us to: “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. vs. 26 Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. vs. 27 Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil”. In Proverbs 5:15 Solomon says, “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well”. In other words: “Stick to your own Boo!”
  6. If you have fallen into Adverse Sexual Behavior ASB (my terminology), remember that God hates sin but HE LOVES SINNERS! Take into consideration that the first person Jesus saw when he came out of the tomb was Mary Magdalene, a former prostitute!
  7. Remember: Adultery is not the unpardonable sin (although we sinners refuse to forgive our spouses for it!) THE ONLY SIN THAT IS UNPARDONABLE IS THE ONE THAT WE DO NOT ASK GOD TO FORGIVE US FOR! If you have asked God to forgive you, your spouse to forgive you, and as far as possible asked your “partner in crime” to forgive you for getting them involved or going along with them, you cannot do anymore…..leave it there and move on in peace. Do not keep asking God a thousand times to forgive you for the same sin especially if you have quit the sin! To do so demonstrates that we doubt His ability to forgive! Satan thru human detractors and in other ways will attack you, but you must believe that “He that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6. 44 (KJV)

Charles E. Creech, Author: God’s Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! Rebounding from Marital Infidelity in the 21st Century